Vino and Apes – A Marriage Made in Hungary?

CNN recently posted a Reuters report that Hungarian apes and monkeys, caged at the Budapest Zoo go through at least 55 liters of red wine a year. Should that be shocking? I’m thinking about the life of a monkey and it makes complete sense. If I were employed to be ogled by those that were only arguably farther along on the evolutionary chart than I was, there’s no doubt I’d take solace in the healing powers of the bottle.

The real angle of that news story should be that apes and monkeys actually have access to that much red wine. I’m not sure who the curator is in Budapest but there’s no doubt he’s got the primate vote in his pocket. In fact, it sounds like the ideal curator-captive primate relationship – the curator passing along his boozy habits to his inmates and having a loving bosom to cry into during times of loneliness and depressions. In turn, the chimps get to live high off the hog, get tipsy and feel good about themselves as they offer dating and hygiene advice to curator Bob.

I hate to introduce a new variable to the wine tasting but I’m going to hope they’re open to suggestions - bring a Rabbit into the mix. I’m not talking a Watership Down or Peter Rabbit-type bunny that could be crushed with a single primate blow. I’m referring to the Rabbit corkscrew, so named because it looks like a freakin’ rabbit. I recognize that primates have the ability use their digits like humans and are probably decently adept at uncorking wine. Coming from a human though, believe me, even an idiot could open a bottle of wine using the Rabbit and it makes things so much smoother. As a note of caution, there is the slight possibility that a crafty primate could also employ the Rabbit to cave the skull of their captors but how likely is that? If you’re the type to get chimps and apes loaded off grappa, then I’m guessing you’re not averse to gambling with your life anyway. That being said, where are the checks and balances in the Budapest Zoo? Who is to say that this curator isn’t also giving the primates roofies with their daily tea and red wine?

Exactly, there’s nobody to ensure that. Instead, the Budapest Zoo’s spokesman, Zoltan Hanga occupies his time justifying the boozing apes – “…it’s not Eger’s Blood or some expensive wine that they are getting but simple table wine…”. Simple table wine? Oh, then everything is okay. I feed my dog beer everyday but don’t worry, it’s only Keystone cans so it’s cool, I’m not wasting the good stuff on the pooch. That quote begged the question, are all Hungarians this crazy? Then I saw that Zsa Zsa Gabor, Harry Houdini and former Miami fullback Larry Csonka are on the list of famous Hungarians. To recap, that’s a crazy woman, a man who purposefully locked himself in chains and tried to drown himself for the amusement of others and a fullback who recently had to be rescued from icy Alaskan waters when a bad storm toppled his boat. Based on that short sample size, there seems like there’s a pretty strong case that Hungarians are indeed crazy. So feeding wine to apes isn’t that far off course then.

But enough about their sanity, I’m more insulted by the comment that insinuates mere table wine is plenty good for apes and chimps and they wouldn’t waste a drop of the good stuff on their enslaved monkeys. Dear Mr. Zolton Hanga, I happen to be a huge fan of table wines, especially reds. Perhaps I should come and live in your Zoo.

Men and chimps, living together with wine flowing. It sounds like an ideal pitch for a reality show. I propose we get Tony Danza to be the host and we can have all sorts of contests between the humans and the chimps. We can get a nice table wine like Big House Red to sponsor it. Or even better, I can be the captain of the primates and we could travel the country challenging the colleges of America to drinking contests.

In conclusion, perhaps there truly are things that we, as Americans, can learn from our friends overseas. Perhaps these tactics are already being employed in our Zoos and the media has chosen to overlook it. Come to think of it, no matter the weather, no matter the time of year, there is always one sure thing about going to the Zoo… the monkeys never disappoint. I mean never! For that, they deserve a little red wine. Waiter! Vino for the Probscis Monkeys and make it snappy.

Where Can I Find A Field Greens Salad? Why, In A Field, Of Course!

The following entry for the word Salad was found on dictionary.com.

sal·ad (n.) A cold dish of chopped vegetables, fruit, meat, fish, eggs, or other food, usually prepared with a dressing, such as mayonnaise.

While it's difficult to condone or recognize mayonnaise itself as a delicious salad dressing*, the rest of the definition is befitting of a salad. Chopped veggies, fruit, meat, eggs, other food. Nowhere in this definition does it mention bitter leaves hand picked from my neighbor's lawn and thrown on a smallish plate. It's time that restaurateurs across the nation are taken to task on their definition of a "salad". That's right, chefs of the world, no longer should you be allowed to masquerade field greens with a touch of lemon vinaigrette as salad.

Mesclun, baby spinach leaves, dandelions? These are not lettuces. Well, techinically they may be, but Martina Navratolova technically wasn't a lesbian until she admitted she was. Romaine thought? Now that's a green you can be proud of and take home to your parents. Romaine, it sounds slightly epicurean, a tad mysterious and not quite as daunting lettuce as iceberg, for example. This should be your foundation. Here's another novel idea, throw some other items in it that aren't lettuce. Now you're having fun. Adding mesclun greens to some baby spinach doesn't count as a second ingredient. If you added mescaline on the other hand, you've got yourself something special. I'm talking about adding some color to the vegan neighborhood though. This country, after all, is supposed to be a melting pot. No where have I ever heard us referred to as the green leaf eating nation. We ingest buckets of grease and gallons of butter. Sure we segregate the many that make up the pot of diverse mush and a small percentage of that mush owns the majority of the wealth but there's color! Take a green or yellow pepper, slice that shit up and throw it in. Why stop there? Cukes, add in some cucumber with some little grape tomatoes and some sprouts. We're in business. Wait, the madness continues. What's this? Why it's stale bread, call 'em croutons and you've got yourself a deal. Chick peas, kidney beans, rainbow sprinkles, bacon bits, boiled eggs. There's no end to the options. Cheese! Have I been stricken with bovine madness? How could I ever forget to add some cheese. That's like forgetting to add Gilbert Gottfried to the list of most annoying men to walk the face of the earth. No, you need cheese, indeed. Bleu, cheddar, mozzarella, gorgonzola. Chunks, crumbled, shredded, wheels. Cheese in all shapes and forms should be welcomed. Bring me your tired, your poor, your moldy masses of milk yearning to be cheeeeeeeeese!

Allow me to step back from my roughage high horse for a moment and play devil's advocate. There are some among us who believe that a field greens salad is scrumptious. I defy any of you to bring me the logic behind this. It's called a field greens salad. The reason is because if you walk in any field, chances are, you'll find any of the shit sitting on the ground, that can also be found in a field greens salad, minus the vinaigrette. Maybe these people are boring and just plain vanilla. Is it safe to guarantee they haven't had sex and if they do, it's most likely through sheets and with rubber gloves? I guess that would really make them more germophobes than boring. And a germophobe's sex life has got to be interesting in so many ways. There are so many obstacles to overcome. Why though, why would you order a plate of lettuce? It really has always appealed to me as the type of salad not that you order but you revert to when you release you have $1.89 in your pocket and can't afford a loaf of bread. It's a last resort. Yet, when you're paying about $10 for a salad, the restaurant, the cheap bastards that are procuring all the ingredients on your dime, they can't even throw you a little reach around? Not even some croutons? Maybe some tomatoes?

This is something that I'll never understand but I'm going to write God an email and see what he has to say about it. I'll let you know if I hear back. In the meantime, this has been the report from your DrinkatWork foodie, Nick. Word.

*While mayonnaise may not suffice, it can serve as a wonderful lubricant according to fellow Drinkatwork columnist, Sean Crespo.