Ten Books I Am NOT Writing

1. A MANNERS PRIMER FOR MIDDLE EUROPEAN MISTRESSES ON HOW TO RESPOND AFTER HAVING BEEN RAVAGED BY LORDS AND LADIES OF THE EVER VICTORIOUS DUTCH ARMIES

2. Irradiated Wastelands You CAN Afford To Visit

3. Danger Police: Guzzling Danger By The Bucket

4. Trains: They Take You Places, And Sometimes That Place Is Heaven

5. 10 Hobbits of Highly Successful Quests

6. Where Failure Lives: YOU!

7. What's That? A Gun in Your Hand? Bet You Won't Use It! Chicken.

8. 6 POINT FONT: The Book

9. What Kinds Of Scrap Metal To Feed Your Baby

10. Print Is Dead And So Is The Author Of This Book (posthumous edition)

Drink At Work Presents: Incorrect Use of the Montage #1

If Only This Were Real: Snickers Ads

If Only This Were Real: Snickers Ads

NORA ROBERTS: INCREDIBLE FULK

Ok, there are two versions here. I think the one without the TV guide quote is best since it's cleaner, but I'm not you. YOU make the call.

VERSION 1:


VERSION 2:

HULK V. THE FOURTH WALL

Random, fabricated samples of narration from insane, non-existent industrials and nature films...#1

Hi there. I'm Sean Crespo. I'm a crazy person. One of my favorite hobbies is to stand up in the middle of a restaurant, bang my fork against a glass of water as if I'm about to toast someone, and then to give a low-volume speech about someone halfway across the room who can't possibly hear what I'm saying.

When not in a restaurant, my sense of inanity avails itself of random phrases for its sustenance. Below you will find exactly what the title above suggests...Random, fabricated samples of narration from insane, non-existent industrials and nature films.

These mean nothing. It is instead the scope of the nothing that should be of interest.

Or not.

Enjoy.


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1. You will find that in addition to its being encased in a semi-firm polymer "skin," both protrusions can now adhere to the negatively charged Boron casing, which will enhance performance, reduce operational cost, and incriminate no one.

2. ...and regularly ingests its own weight in spiders. Digestion is itself only possible through a symbiotic relationship with Ed Meese.

3. This highlights, indeed explains, why sanitation researchers often consider mitochondria to be the dessert unit of eukaryotic cells.

4. The massive discoloration and waxen coating serve as both camouflage and a means of active registration with all three branches of the government.

5. However, strong headwinds and a not inconsiderable jaw strength can make up for this deficiency if provoked. Just make sure you stand back!

6. Over ten thousand person-hours go in to the making of every seafoam Riding Dowel. Our patented Ontology Frond technology is the secret to the Dowel's high core stability and its wide appeal among the elderly.

7. The Cheshire diving mollusk gently sprays its trapped prey with a fine corrosive vomit, and within moments, the soupy ruins are begurgled into the snail's shell.

8. Lubbock isn't just a place to live anymore. It's now a place to dare to live. Lubbock: Time's Dumpster.

9. A systemic breach of the carotid freeway can take anywhere from five minutes to five days to repair, but once the process is started, it is inadvisable to stop without assistance from a licensed cartographer.

10. Pollination at such depths is, yes, difficult but a flagella-like adaptation on the sex glands makes coitus, however brief and tangled, more than possible. The Arctic Felch Whale in fact survives almost exclusively on these glands as well as monthly social security checks.

11. Turtles and Indonesia, two truths we ignore at our own peril.

XBOXY 360 CLASSIC GAMES: NINJA MADMEN

XBOX 360 classic games: LEFT 4 FINGERS

CLASSIC NPK: DOCTOR WHO

Some British TV-tag hooligans voted this glorious video down to 2 stars, after having started out with a healthy 4-star rating for months. I have their names and lorry numbers however and I fully intend to prosecute them through my council-appointed barrister.

I think you'll agree that my turtle monster scenario is dead-on and deserves more than a paltry 2 stars. Feel free to help a gent out and vote up some 5 star action.

And don't forget to check out our completely unrelated non-sister sister site which has way more friends than us on myspace and which I just seconds ago discovered by typing in Drink At Work's address incorrectly.

"I DRINK AT WORK," describes itself as "a young Italian fashion brand. Our ideal job has always been a 9 to 5 happy hour, and we wanted to communicate this through this clothing line. Hence, less ties and more Martinis please!"



It's even a guy and a girl who run it. Just like our website. But they don't have a Corey Pandolph or a Dan Bialek though, so I guess we win. Unless they do have one. Then they win. God, I'd be weirded out to see an Italian version of Corey. What would his comic strips be like? I don't know for sure, but I do know that the characters would probably smoke a lot of thin cigarettes and wear the skins of a great number of dead mammals, reptiles and probably even a few amphibians.

Grisly jackets: Now that's Italian!

Assuming they're not offended by what I just wrote, I'm going to friend request them and see where this adventure leads. Hopefully Italy. Probably a sweat shop. But even if it is a sweat shop, it's an Italian sweatshop so probably even the loss of a finger or missing an eye can be turned into a positive with the right accentuating bandage or patch.

Seriously, DAW is the second website I've been a major part of that had a more popular counterpart with an eerily similar name. Dan Bialek and I had a site called www.danandsean.com (R.I.P.), but we found out very quickly that many of our readers were unintentional visitors who had stumbled onto us while looking for www.seananddan.com. I can see why it'd be confusing. Dan and I are heterosexual life mates who wrote about why they hated Thundar the Barbarian so much, and the other Dan and Sean were homosexual life mates who post pictures of their Thanksgiving Day parties. It's all the same.

You say potato...I say frittata.