What Will Idiots Be Wearing This Halloween

Every year idiots across America bash their heads together and make powerfully moronic decisions that affect everyone around them for an entire night--and most of the next morning during which they will probably be vomiting up lite beers and hot wings.

You need to be prepared to deal with them. And Drink At Work is here to help with our 2009 'Avoid The Idiots' Halloween Primer.


The last couple years we've dealt mainly with the sexy cat phenomenon that never fails to ensnare a major portion of the female costumer crowd. This year, we're focusing on the male half of this sadness equation.

The average male idiot's Halloween costume choice is usually based around whatever movies or TV shows were popular earlier that year. For instance, when Gladiator (this one, not this one) came out, I remember seeing a group of idiots dressed as a legion of Praetorian guards the following Halloween, led by a costumed General Maximus (also an idiot--the guy in the costume, not Maximus).

However idiotic though, they were at least thorough and consistent in their portrayals...too consistent. They marched in unison down the NARROW sidewalks of L.A., refusing to break ranks on pain of one of them yelling "Dude, get back in line," jostling everyone out of their way.

But sometimes morons make slightly more whimsical choices regarding their costumes, no less idiot-sidious though than their pop culture counter parts. Thus, as the Roman Legion trotted down Santa Monica Blvd., they came across a different (but all too similar) group of idiots who had dressed up as one big package of Lunchables.

Sound cute? Stop and think about how much time and effort must go into creating an outfit that can fit 4-5 guys. The painting alone probably took a day. A WHOLE DAY TO PAINT A BUNCH OF BOXES AND PLASTIC SO YOU COULD LOOK LIKE A PREPACKAGED CHILDREN'S MEAL.

Who has that kind of time?

Idiots. That's who.

So without further ado, we present to you the top five costumes that male idiots will be wearing this year.

1. Transformers -- but the morons who dress up as them won't even dress as classic Auto bots or Decepticons. They'll be dressed as those retarded Pharoah-bots that Bay shat into the script as a nod to Egyptology. To anyone who wears this apocrypha, I Imenhopetep you all die.

2. Paul Blarts: Mall Cops -- you better believe that there are millions of fat idiots out there just waiting to trip over wires, take prat falls, and generally cause (to them) hilarious mayhem. They're coming. Feel free to mace them. Not Mace®. Use the knight's weapon and cave their stupid frakking heads in.

Speaking of frakking...

3. Cylons -- Oh, no, not the cool robotic Centaurian Cylons...nope. The frak for brains in question are usually big thick-necked dudes who would think it the height of wit to dress up as the sexy blonde haired Caprica. If you see a big guy and his pals all dressed up as Caprica's or as any of the other female Cylons...you have my permission to dump them into deep space. Or failing that, to make them cry until their make up runs.


4. Wild Things -- The anthropomorphic monster-child Carol will lose all its/her/his nostalgic charm as duos of over sized dudes all across the nation turn this lead Wild Thing into what is essentially the new horse costume. According to the manner in which I've already seen two groups of dudes designing their suits, each of the Carols you will see walking around on Halloween will resemble nothing so much as a short, fat Chinese New Year's dragon, instead of a simple upright monster. But in their defense, a lot of these guys are sharing a brain, so maybe sharing a costume makes sense. Two halves, half a brain each, and lots and lots of forced innuendo. Get ready for charming lines like this, ladies, when the two halves of the costume go their separate ways to troll for some strange:

"Hey, I can't find my top. Can I have yours instead?"

Puke, rinse, repeat.


5. Rorschach and Dr. Manhattan -- It's a tie, folks. Whether or not you liked the adaptation of the Watchmen is irrelevant. What is relevant is that guys like pretending to be bad ass superheroes on Halloween. And there were no more brightly costumed characters than those from The Watchmen this year. For shear badassitude, Rorschach is going to be a big hit with smaller, lonely guys who fancy that they too could make the tough choices Rorschach had to, if that is they were ever in a situation in which their keen detective and combat skills (which don't exist) were called for. But in terms of self congratulatory-ocity, Dr. Manhattan will provide the too-in-shape crew with a chance to walk around nearly naked, with one another, covered in blue paint and all pretending to be the same guy. If with all the teams of multi-Dr. Manhattans the circumstances for a tragic gang sex act aren't ripe this Halloween, well, then I don't know what's happened to this country.

Our only hope, America, is that the acrylic paint used by the Dr. Manhattan's of the night is an irritant to the skin, and if we're real lucky, accidentally seals shut their pee-holes forever. Man can't pee, he can't fight. You know who said that? The bad guy in Karate Kid. Even now, the 80's continue to give.


Happy Halloween from all of us at Drink At Work, and remember our holiday motto: "Don't be an asshole."

POST HALLOWEEN ANALYSIS

What this costume says about you: I am a person of great subtlety who happens to have enormous breasts and whose favorite color is pain.




Ok all, so I changed my mind, went out and got to see more wonderfully lazy attempts at costumes. Almost elaborate in their not-elaborateness.

This is why I don't go as anything. I feel like if I'm going to do it, I should put some effort into it, but every year I run out of time and give up. I hated showing up at some party with my lame non-costume, pretending my regular clothes were in fact a costume, continually explaining to people in impressive Halloween get-ups that my wearing a nice jacket top and a baseball cap was my way of dressing up as a Muggle, then later to someone else, a failed ad executive, and then moments later to yet another person disgusted at my laziness, a baseball player from a semi-formal gentleman's league.

No one likes that guy, nor should they. But that shameful-costume door swings both ways, and now that I've rid myself of the burden of trying to come up with a good costume altogether, it's freed up more time so I can judge others from afar--a great way to spend ANY holiday, by the by!

So I trucked it down to the Village and was repeatedly reacquainted with the reason I don't go out on Halloween in the city. Every bar, party in an apartment, train, sidewalk, cab, restaurant, and even park bench is packed to the costume fish gills with assholes who think that because they're wearing a space helmet or a fake mustache, they are no longer subject to the laws of common human courtesy, laws like Thou Shalt Not Vomit On Others And Then Not Even Fucking Apologize.

You see, by the time you leave your apartment, every person is already way drunker than you will be that entire night, as if your very plans to head outside somehow issued a silent but widespread challenge to anyone who recently made a purchase at a Ricky's to drink their weight in 100 proof malt something before getting on the subway. And oh yeah, everybody takes the time to be extra, EXTRA funny for their neighbors' collective amusement. Your friend dressed as a lobster? You bet at some point he'll walk by a seafood restaurant and scream, "Leave my cousins alone! Murderers!" You know how I know that? I saw it, that's how.

Anyway, the bar was set pretty low from earlier in the day. I hadn't seen any great costumes the entire day, and I wasn't sure the quality could drop much more.

I was wrong.

And yes, men in lazy costumes certainly deserve their own entry but there is no equivalent in terms of thematic choice with guys. They either dress as a superhero, wear giant foam genitals, or go as something actually offensive, like the two white guys I saw wearing sombreros, huge black mustaches, and giant Green Cards around their necks both labeled "Juan." Very smooth guys. You'll definitely get laid by...well, I don't know, maybe a woman dressed as a Sexy Aryan.

So briefly, here are a few more of the "sexy" costumes I saw on my way into and very quickly out of the city.


MORE "SEXY" COSTUMES

Sexy Alice

Sexy Prostitute (19th c.)

Sexy Prostitute (possibly just a prostitute)

Sexy Wench (exactly the same as the 19th century prostitute but holding a serving platter)

Sexy Cricket Player or Sexy Woman in White with a Paddle

Sexy Castro

Sexy Half Man Half Woman

Sexy Barista (no, I'm not joking)

Sexy Cop

Sexy Correctional Officer

Sexy Waitress

Sexy Old Timey Train Conductor

Sexy Burglar

Sexy Cave Woman

Sexy Ghostbusters by the dozen

Sexy Bad-Girl Princess

Sexy More Regular Princess

Sexy Sailor

Sexy Witch

Sexy Lamb (that one was kind of neat)

Sexy Harry Potter (very confusing. I love Harry Potter, but now maybe...too much? Whatever the case, I'm definitely not going to see Equus now.)

Sexy Hockey Player (she wore a form fitting red lycra suit and had a hockey stick. so hence...she's a hockey player, yes?)

Sexy Bunny

Sexy Bird

Sexy Unidentified Animal (had deer horns, a cat tail, and a cape)

Sexy Soldier

and I swear to God, a Sexy Dolphin

And a million more variations on the "sexy" theme. Look ladies, while I need to say thank you for all the "sexy," as a guy, I'd like to offer you a few tips on how to actually stand out with your "sexy." If your costume's defining feature is the "sexy," stick to that. A "sexy" cat chain smoking on a stoop while shrieking about how you don't care if your boyfriend thinks you drink too much...ceases very quickly to be sexy or even "sexy."

Best costume of the night however goes to a tiny baby in a stroller dressed up as Venom. His little head fit into the evil Venom tongue. Adorable and disgusting! And isn't that what Halloween is all about?

Good night, Halloween. We will miss you.


UNTIL NEXT YEAR!

Worst "SEXY" Halloween Costumes for Women 2008

Sexy Cat

Sexy Pirate

Sexy Angel

Sexy Devil

Sexy Pirate Cat

Sexy Pirate Angel

Sexy Angel Cat

Sexy Devil Cat

Sexy Devil Pirate

Sexy Angel Devil

Sexy Angel Devil Cat Pirate

Sexy Whore

Sexy Dorothy (Wizard of Oz)

Sexy Dorothy (Parker)

Sexy Whore Cat

Sexy Policy Initiative

Sexy Binge Drinker

Sexy Building Contractor

Sexy DOW

Sexy Drowned Polar Bear

Sexy Taft

Sexy Bea Arthur (Pre- or post-death)

Sexy Carol (sorry, Carol)

and finally...

Sexy Vagina


Please email us or comment here and tell us the worst "sexy" costume you saw on Halloween, and we'll add it to this list, which we'll grow every year until we fill up the internet with our "sexy" costume list.