What this costume says about you: I am a person of great subtlety who happens to have enormous breasts and whose favorite color is pain.Ok all, so I changed my mind, went out and got to see more wonderfully lazy attempts at costumes. Almost elaborate in their not-elaborateness.
This is why I don't go as anything. I feel like if I'm going to do it, I should put some effort into it, but every year I run out of time and give up. I hated showing up at some party with my lame non-costume, pretending my regular clothes were in fact a costume, continually explaining to people in impressive Halloween get-ups that my wearing a nice jacket top and a baseball cap was my way of dressing up as a Muggle, then later to someone else, a failed ad executive, and then moments later to yet another person disgusted at my laziness, a baseball player from a semi-formal gentleman's league.
No one likes that guy, nor should they. But that shameful-costume door swings both ways, and now that I've rid myself of the burden of trying to come up with a good costume altogether, it's freed up more time so I can judge others from afar--a great way to spend ANY holiday, by the by!
So I trucked it down to the Village and was repeatedly reacquainted with the reason I don't go out on Halloween in the city. Every bar, party in an apartment, train, sidewalk, cab, restaurant, and even park bench is packed to the costume fish gills with assholes who think that because they're wearing a space helmet or a fake mustache, they are no longer subject to the laws of common human courtesy, laws like Thou Shalt Not Vomit On Others And Then Not Even Fucking Apologize.
You see, by the time you leave your apartment, every person is already way drunker than you will be that entire night, as if your very plans to head outside somehow issued a silent but widespread challenge to anyone who recently made a purchase at a Ricky's to drink their weight in 100 proof malt something before getting on the subway. And oh yeah, everybody takes the time to be extra, EXTRA funny for their neighbors' collective amusement. Your friend dressed as a lobster? You bet at some point he'll walk by a seafood restaurant and scream, "Leave my cousins alone! Murderers!" You know how I know that? I saw it, that's how.
Anyway, the bar was set pretty low from earlier in the day. I hadn't seen any great costumes the entire day, and I wasn't sure the quality could drop much more.
I was wrong.
And yes, men in lazy costumes certainly deserve their own entry but there is no equivalent in terms of thematic choice with guys. They either dress as a superhero, wear giant foam genitals, or go as something actually offensive, like the two white guys I saw wearing sombreros, huge black mustaches, and giant Green Cards around their necks both labeled "Juan." Very smooth guys. You'll definitely get laid by...well, I don't know, maybe a woman dressed as a Sexy Aryan.
So briefly, here are a few more of the "sexy" costumes I saw on my way into and very quickly out of the city.
MORE "SEXY" COSTUMESSexy Alice
Sexy Prostitute (19th c.)
Sexy Prostitute (possibly just a prostitute)
Sexy Wench (exactly the same as the 19th century prostitute but holding a serving platter)
Sexy Cricket Player or Sexy Woman in White with a Paddle
Sexy Castro
Sexy Half Man Half Woman
Sexy Barista (no, I'm not joking)
Sexy Cop
Sexy Correctional Officer
Sexy Waitress
Sexy Old Timey Train Conductor
Sexy Burglar
Sexy Cave Woman
Sexy Ghostbusters by the dozen
Sexy Bad-Girl Princess
Sexy More Regular Princess
Sexy Sailor
Sexy Witch
Sexy Lamb (that one was kind of neat)
Sexy Harry Potter (very confusing. I love Harry Potter, but now maybe...too much? Whatever the case, I'm definitely not going to see Equus now.)
Sexy Hockey Player (she wore a form fitting red lycra suit and had a hockey stick. so hence...she's a hockey player, yes?)
Sexy Bunny
Sexy Bird
Sexy Unidentified Animal (had deer horns, a cat tail, and a cape)
Sexy Soldier
and I swear to God, a Sexy Dolphin
And a million more variations on the "sexy" theme. Look ladies, while I need to say thank you for all the "sexy," as a guy, I'd like to offer you a few tips on how to actually stand out with your "sexy." If your costume's defining feature is the "sexy," stick to that. A "sexy" cat chain smoking on a stoop while shrieking about how you don't care if your boyfriend thinks you drink too much...ceases very quickly to be sexy or even "sexy."
Best costume of the night however goes to a tiny baby in a stroller dressed up as Venom. His little head fit into the evil Venom tongue. Adorable and disgusting! And isn't that what Halloween is all about?
Good night, Halloween. We will miss you.
UNTIL NEXT YEAR!
Labels: Halloween Costumes, Sexy cat phenomenon, the Village
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