So much for great movie previews now...

Don Lafontaine has passed. I call mayor crapola, supreme being. Major crapola, indeed.

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NO PRIOR KNOWLEDGE: FRINGE

TOM SHILLUE @ JOE'S PUB

Tom Shillue is bringing his show "Supernormal" to Joe's Pub (at the Public Theater) Sunday September 7th @ 7:30 pm. Since Carol and I most likely can not go due to Shoot The Messenger's Minnesota engagements, we urge you, America, to attend in our stead.

I have too many great things to say about Tom so I'll just say one mean thing:

His cheeks are abnormally rosey.

There. Now go see the show.

Paul Fitzy Fitzgerald (aka Nick Stevens) roasting George Takei

Question: Is Tyler Perry the Wes Anderson of the black community?

Discuss.

"Shoot The Messenger" leaves for the RNC this Saturday!

You Have to Listen to the Notes She's Not Playing

The McCain campaign has an interesting point about Hillary Clinton's speech in support of Barack Obama's nomination last night. According to CNN, though Clinton made a ringing endorsement of Obama last night, "Sen. John McCain's campaign said she stopped short of saying that he is ready to lead the country." McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds underlines the point: "Nowhere tonight did she say that Barack Obama is ready to lead..."

Bounds continued, "Nowhere did she say that Barack Obama is not a Muslim with a radical preacher who hates America, nowhere did she say his weight isn't a problem, and nowhere did she say that the earth wasn't divinely created in 6 days -- 6 real days -- by an omniscient being who hates the gays and looks like a cross between Mel Gibson and President Taft."

Notably absent from the McCain campaign's comments is how Clinton made it abundantly clear that she thinks John McCain is not ready to lead and never will be.

Kucinich...the man has got some major huevos!

Wake up, America.

NO PRIOR KNOWLEDGE: 90210 (the new one. sigh)

Lilly Ledbetter of Gadsden, Alabama...HELL YEAH!

On stage right now at the DNC talking about equal pay for equal work!



And then they played her out to I'm So Excited by the Pointer Sisters...really? What on earth is going on with their musical director?

Joe Powers, please get better.

Joe took a nasty fall recently and banged himself up pretty badly. He's currently in the ICU but is available for visits.

If you have time, stop by and see him at Bellevue.


See you back on stage soon enough, Joe.

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff (for Sociopaths):

And It's All KILL KILL KILL PIG FUCK!


You Can’t Remove Every Body.

Often we find ourselves worrying about things like how to dispose of removed skin, for instance.
“It’s the largest organ on the body. I have to start hiding it now!”
“It’ll never fit in these barrels.”
“I don’t think that’s enough acid.”
But while we’re fretting about it, we lose track of the joy of skinning other human beings who have been mildly sedated, just enough to keep them still. What’s the point of living outside the law if you can’t learn to stop worrying and love the bodies, so to speak? (That was rhetorical, mommy.)

People Are People Too

It wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized that the people we systematically target then torture, murder, and (sometimes) eat are a lot like us. They need to feed, and not just their own excretions. They need water. They need to breathe.
(I found that one out the hard way a few times. Sorry, the deByrke triplets! --well the deByrke ‘unilet’ now I guess.)
And you know what else? They need people. Just like us. Though they don’t want to defecate on you (yet!), they need to relate to you in some manner. If you spend all your time projecting your unresolved feelings about dead pets onto them, you’ll miss the best part of sociopathic rituals…I can’t finish this sentence. It’s spying on me.

Put The “Mur” Back in “Murder”

I’m sorry. I blacked out for a few hours. When I came to, this was on the page. It looks good on paper though, doesn’t it?

If Other People Can’t See It…
…God hates them.

Lots of us have secret holographic messages beamed in from the CIA or anthropomorphic furniture items telling us that G-d wants this guy maimed or that guy made an example of or so-and-so the President of the Untied States assassinated. Just because others don’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there. Don’t take their calls for you to seek help too personally. These are simple people who don’t understand the important work you are about to embark on. And I quote from Seven, “Look in the box.”

To Make An Omelet, You Must Pee On Me

Please?

The Long Awaited Second Album Follow up to The Fake Bestseller

Chi Chi's Cyborg commercial

So as absurd as I find the situation, I have gotten a steady flow of curious emails regarding that "Chicken And Chi Chi's" commercial even though to my knowledge the spot isn't running much or at all anymore. So here are some answers to a few of the questions I've received:

Yes, the cyborg's voice is also my voice. No, I'm not made of wires. Yes, I wish this spot had run more. No, I'm not waiting for the robot revolution to destroy my human masters. But yes, I hate people. No, I am not working on any "fan fiction" based around the "character" of the Chi Chi's cyborg. Yes, I wish I had time to though. No, I'm not cold and aloof in person. Yes, I think I would make a fantastic Artificial Intelligence. No, I don't think putting the Chi Chi's cyborg in the movie A.I. could have possibly improved it, unless the robot was actually involved in the editing process and cut about two hours and 45 minutes from the version released in theaters.

Phew...

There it is. I hope I was able to answer a decent number of the questions I've gotten about this spot. Speaking of things I've performed in, hey, did I ever mention that I attended the world's finest drama school, the London Academy of Music and Dramatic Art?


Yes, yes I bet I have. You probably just said hello to me on the street and I countered with, "Oh hi! Speaking of saying hello... we used to say 'allo, guv.' But that was back when I attended the London Academy of Music and Dramatic Art. In London."

And it's a good thing I went there too, because how else would I summon the raw acting skill to bring to life all the animated and fanciful commercial characters I've voiced-over?

(hint: there is an ironic rhetorical question above. see if you can spot it.)

And one last time, America..."I WANT CHICKEN AND CHI CHI'S."




Truly we live in amazing times when a TV voice over for a commercial can garner more than one trillionth of our collective attention. Excelsior, right guys?

Yeah.

POOR OPENING LINES WITH WHICH TO MAKE FIRST CONTACT

* "Hey, you guys just flew in from M82, right? By any chance, your arms wouldn't happen to be tired would they?"

* "Wife swap!"


* “Death beam? Is that like a laser show?”

* "You think you're better than me?"

* "We have some literature we'd like you to read."

* "Welcome to earth, we're easily divided against one another, but enough about us..."

* "Can you come back at 8:30? ‘The Simpsons’ are on now."

* "I smell a sentient life form who wants a noogy!"

* Pretend to yawn and place arm around alien shoulder equivalent. Make out.

* “You’ve got a pretty vocal orifice.” Cocks shotgun.

* “Look at the size of your heads! Jesus H, guys. Hey everyone, come look at the space freaks!”

* “You better have brought us something cool or this first contact is over.”

* “Osama, advanced alien life forms. Advanced alien life forms, Osama.”

* “You call that a graviton-based emissions propulsion subsystem?”

* “Pay up guys. I was right. These new aliens are way uglier than anyone could imagine.”

* “Sorry new aliens, the Miturians found us first. Guess it’s sloppy seconds for your people, huh?”

* “Whoa whoa whoa. Where you think you’re going? I’m gonna need to see an ID before I let you land on earth. Plus it’s a $20 cover and you’re gonna need a stamp if you’re planning on drinking.”

* “Those beaks of yours look awfully Jewish…what’d you say your last name was again?”

* “Run! These ones can open doors and water isn’t acid to them!”

* “OK, in episode 23 when Kirk…”

* “So it’s you, the Alien, and the Predator trapped in an arctic pyramid. Who wins?”

* “Welcome to earth. Now pick a political affiliation. We have two.”

* “So...how much experience do your people have with global decimation? Oh, no reason. Just curious I guess.”

* “You’ve got a little something right there. Let me get that for you. (Later, after earth has been destroyed...) What do you mean that was his brain sac?”

* (whispered) “They’re so small. Do you think I could keep one as a pet?”

* “Yes, officer, I’m sure. That’s the one who mugged me, the big black one…with 14 eyes and wheels for hands.”

* “Will you please take our old people and do something with them—I don’t care, make them young again, feast on their spirit energies, anything, just please, we’ve had enough.”

* “Nice ship. How many cams?”

FOOTPRINT IN THE SAND

by Sean Crespo and Joe Oesterlee