A little context: In order to assuage my roiling insecurity over the successes of my former LAMDA classmates — Benedict Cumberbatch being at the top of that illustrious list — I have decided to take the high road and make ridiculous pie charts about them all, filled with insidiously implausible (so implausible they just might be plausible) rumors which I hope to be spreading soon. How is this the high road?

If you knew me, you wouldn’t have to ask that. Hope you enjoy the pie chart, BC, and congratulations.

See, all that lying semi-supine finally paid off!