If you find yourself stuck in a Monday morning status meeting, here are a few tips to keep things running smoothly.

1. Bring a bull whip to the meeting. After each item on the status report has been covered, make that cool WAH-KSHH! sound with the whip. If the meeting leader is too low-energy for your liking, whip him in the fuckin’ face.

2. Suggest a “trust-building” exercise to make people more at ease. Convince a co-worker to fall backwards into your arms, then don’t catch them. Everyone will laugh, especially if the person who falls is an older woman. People just love seeing an old lady hit the deck.

3. If anyone raises questions or concerns about anything on the status report, repeat what they say in that great retard voice you do. Try to remember to make your hands look all palsy. You can also use an over the top “sissy voice.” That one never gets old.

4. If someone is calling in to the meeting, expose your balls to the speaker phone. If you’re a woman, expose your vagina. They’ll never know, but YOU’LL know!

5. Sigh loudly and often and roll your eyes like there’s no tomorrow. After all, you’re above all this petty shit and you’re quitting this stupid job as soon as the economy shapes up.

6. Look around the room and try to imagine how each of your co-workers lives. How they look sleeping, having sex, moving their bowels, indulging in their pathetic hobbies, beating their spouses and children. God, they suck.

7. Crank up the black metal. We’ve found Norwegian bands work best for this purpose.

8. Boring, poorly-conducted meetings lead to reduced morale. Use this as an opportunity to gain new members for your suicide cult.

9. Catch someone’s eye and run your index finger across your throat, just under your jawline, then point at them. Close your eyes, revealing YOU’RE DEAD written on your eyelids in Sharpie.

10. About 5 minutes into the meeting, excuse yourself by announcing “I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM REAL BAD” then pull the fire alarm. Everyone will be so emotionally spent worrying about terrorism and dying at work that they’ll spend the rest of the day focusing on “what’s really important” like calling people they love. What a bunch of pussies.

HOLLYWOOD – Tea Party activists. Progressives. Libertarians. Socialists. Republicans and Democrats, liberals and conservatives. Even the anarchists. Americans of every political stripe and ideology put aside their deep-seated differences last night, finally finding one issue they could all agree on: how mightily the 2011 Oscars broadcast sucked.

All across this great land, unifying cries of “Worst broadcast ever!” “Who the hell wrote this?” “Was Franco high? He was high, right?” “It’s enough now with all the gowns!” and “Is it me, or do they have zero chemistry together?” could be heard from indie coffee houses in Brooklyn to open-plan kitchen/family rooms in Arizona… and everywhere in between. Even President Obama and his Republican opponents were seen trading several “You see that trainwreck?” looks this morning.

Experts predict this miraculous sense of national unity will fade steadily over the course of the week, as morning shows and the E! network ruin everyone’s good vibes with endless, shrill rehashes of the telecast and its accompanying fashion moments.

The Religious Right is at it again, opposing the decorations and customs that surround our nation’s celebration of its most important holiday, Cthulhumas. Hey, it’s called CTHUHLUmas for a reason, you Christian nutbags. Because we’re celebrating CTHUHLU.

Yes, I understand that Cthuhlumas has gotten too commercial and that with all the hustling to horde as much white gold as possible, most of us forget what we’re really celebrating–the end of humanity as a sovereign species and the reign of our Lord and Destroyer Cthuhlu (and all the Great Old Ones) for all time.

But that’s beside the point. So let’s stop pussy footing about it, people. This is a Cthuhluist nation. Always has been always will be. Our European ancestors fled their homelands for the freedom to pursue their RIGHT to worship the formless Old Ones from beyond matter and thought. Many of them even died bravely defending that right, some while they were sacrificing worthless human rabble as a blood offering to Dagon, May He Open The Gateway For Cthuhlu Soon.

Here, take a look below at this Negativity Scene I placed outside on my front lawn (and on the front lawns of everyone within a five block blast zone I mean radius). This is the same charming seasonal decoration celebrating my religious traditions that I’ve been putting up on my lawn (and on the front lawns of everyone within a five block radius) for years now. So what’s the problem all of a sudden?

THE DINNER JACKET CLUB

LOG LINE: A group of rich, white assholes who only ever seem to wear dinner jackets walk around the city encountering those less fortunate than themselves, learning no lessons, making no important realizations about their shared humanity, all while freely quoting from “American Psycho” as if they didn’t understand Patrick Bateman was a monster but instead a Christ like leader for people in the highest tax bracket. (TERRIFYING)

Foreign Affairs of the Heart LOG LINE: The first female president of the United States, who is a single mother and an Iraq war widow and also Reese Witherspoon, falls in love — against her better judgment — with the caddish, rakish, foppish British Prime Minister of Great Britain (to be played by someone like [...]

Tuck your napkins into your collar and get ready for the all you can eat buffet, America, cause Glenn Beck has got some tasty dishes served cold ready for you.

That’s right, the original king of pain has launched a new Web site called The Blaze, and he and his intrepid team of people who have been fired from all their previous jobs hope that it will serve as an antidote to liberally-slanted news outlets like Huffington Post, Mother Jones, Raw Story, MSNBC, NPR, CNN, The Washington Post, The New York Times, The Chicago Sun Times, Roger Ebert’s Blog, the AP, FoxNews and The New York Post.