If you find yourself stuck in a Monday morning status meeting, here are a few tips to keep things running smoothly.

1. Bring a bull whip to the meeting. After each item on the status report has been covered, make that cool WAH-KSHH! sound with the whip. If the meeting leader is too low-energy for your liking, whip him in the fuckin’ face.

2. Suggest a “trust-building” exercise to make people more at ease. Convince a co-worker to fall backwards into your arms, then don’t catch them. Everyone will laugh, especially if the person who falls is an older woman. People just love seeing an old lady hit the deck.

3. If anyone raises questions or concerns about anything on the status report, repeat what they say in that great retard voice you do. Try to remember to make your hands look all palsy. You can also use an over the top “sissy voice.” That one never gets old.

4. If someone is calling in to the meeting, expose your balls to the speaker phone. If you’re a woman, expose your vagina. They’ll never know, but YOU’LL know!

5. Sigh loudly and often and roll your eyes like there’s no tomorrow. After all, you’re above all this petty shit and you’re quitting this stupid job as soon as the economy shapes up.

6. Look around the room and try to imagine how each of your co-workers lives. How they look sleeping, having sex, moving their bowels, indulging in their pathetic hobbies, beating their spouses and children. God, they suck.

7. Crank up the black metal. We’ve found Norwegian bands work best for this purpose.

8. Boring, poorly-conducted meetings lead to reduced morale. Use this as an opportunity to gain new members for your suicide cult.

9. Catch someone’s eye and run your index finger across your throat, just under your jawline, then point at them. Close your eyes, revealing YOU’RE DEAD written on your eyelids in Sharpie.

10. About 5 minutes into the meeting, excuse yourself by announcing “I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM REAL BAD” then pull the fire alarm. Everyone will be so emotionally spent worrying about terrorism and dying at work that they’ll spend the rest of the day focusing on “what’s really important” like calling people they love. What a bunch of pussies.

Much thanks to @danilic for tweeting another great piece from the other side of the world’s HUNGRY BEAST, a rap video about climate change performed and written BY climate scientists. That would be like if there were a LOLCAT photoshopped and written BY a cat! What I’m trying to say is…cats cause climate change and you should kill yours now.

Peer review some of these mad hot lyrics, yo:

The Green house effect is just a theory sucker (Alan Jones)
Yeah so is gravity float away muther f**cker

I loved this. And I hope our Italian fashion designing web-titular doppelganger at “I DRINK AT WORK” like it too. To be fair I only mention them so I can use the word doppelganger again today. I have a 5 “doppelganger” quota today.

In short, this is brilliant. It’s also lifdenimal castemenic doppelganger bramof tonjee.

Anyway, enjoy it, all my little doppelgangers!

HOLLYWOOD – Tea Party activists. Progressives. Libertarians. Socialists. Republicans and Democrats, liberals and conservatives. Even the anarchists. Americans of every political stripe and ideology put aside their deep-seated differences last night, finally finding one issue they could all agree on: how mightily the 2011 Oscars broadcast sucked.

All across this great land, unifying cries of “Worst broadcast ever!” “Who the hell wrote this?” “Was Franco high? He was high, right?” “It’s enough now with all the gowns!” and “Is it me, or do they have zero chemistry together?” could be heard from indie coffee houses in Brooklyn to open-plan kitchen/family rooms in Arizona… and everywhere in between. Even President Obama and his Republican opponents were seen trading several “You see that trainwreck?” looks this morning.

Experts predict this miraculous sense of national unity will fade steadily over the course of the week, as morning shows and the E! network ruin everyone’s good vibes with endless, shrill rehashes of the telecast and its accompanying fashion moments.

You are getting very sleepy… And you will look cute while you naaaaappppp…

Thanks to DAW friend and fellow Shark at Worker, Nick Stevens for making this. Read his funny junk here: ahoynickstevens.tumblr.com

Maybe it’s Justin Bieber’s ubiquity, or maybe it’s Justin Bieber’s secret Canadian world domination ploy — or maybe it’s just that if I work Justin Bieber enough times into this Justin Bieber post it will result in Justin Bieber-level Google results, Justin Bieber — but it seems that by far the most frequent Words I Never Thought I Would Type have to do with… that guy. But this week feels special…

A Hollywood shot show which is supposed to take place in New York. Yes, if only New York city had any TV or movie studios to shoot in. Or any apartments or dive bars so they could use real locations. Sigh… I guess we’ll just have to put our own tiny-room standards aside and try our best to not notice the 2000 sq ft 1 bedroom they’ll probably use as the protagonist’s home. (It’s probably even rent controlled damn THAT LUCKY FICTIONAL BASTARD!!!!