1. Vanilla Cronkite
2. Blueberry “Dune” Fan’s Armpit
3. Lavender Rape
4. Mocha Sewer
5. Citrus Pre-Civil Rights Movement The South Dazzle
6. Janitor
7. Orange Caligula
8. Egyptian Mustache
9. Peacan Thrust
10. Sage & Octopus Left In The Sun For A Week

Hello everyone,

Please not that the entire DAW office building is now wheelchair accessible. Including the concert hall:

Please make a note.

Cheers and Cheerios!

- Patty

Patty Scholarlo
Human Resource Director
DAW International

1. Bring a bull whip to the meeting. After each item on the status report has been covered, make that cool WAH-KSHH! sound with the whip. If the meeting leader is too low-energy for your liking, whip him in the fuckin’ face.

2. Suggest a “trust-building” exercise to make people more at ease. Convince a co-worker to fall backwards into your arms, then don’t catch them. Everyone will laugh, especially if the person who falls is an older woman. People just love seeing an old lady hit the deck.

3. If anyone raises questions or concerns about anything on the status report, repeat what they say in that great retard voice you do. Try to remember to make your hands look all palsy. You can also use an over the top “sissy voice.” That one never gets old.

4. If someone is calling in to the meeting, expose your balls to the speaker phone. If you’re a woman, expose your vagina. They’ll never know, but YOU’LL know!

5. Sigh loudly and often and roll your eyes like there’s no tomorrow. After all, you’re above all this petty shit and you’re quitting this stupid job as soon as the economy shapes up.

6. Look around the room and try to imagine how each of your co-workers lives. How they look sleeping, having sex, moving their bowels, indulging in their pathetic hobbies, beating their spouses and children. God, they suck.

7. Crank up the black metal. We’ve found Norwegian bands work best for this purpose.

8. Boring, poorly-conducted meetings lead to reduced morale. Use this as an opportunity to gain new members for your suicide cult.

9. Catch someone’s eye and run your index finger across your throat, just under your jawline, then point at them. Close your eyes, revealing YOU’RE DEAD written on your eyelids in Sharpie.

10. About 5 minutes into the meeting, excuse yourself by announcing “I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM REAL BAD” then pull the fire alarm. Everyone will be so emotionally spent worrying about terrorism and dying at work that they’ll spend the rest of the day focusing on “what’s really important” like calling people they love. What a bunch of pussies.

WHERE IS MY COFFEE MUG, YOU FUCKING ASS-DEMON COCKFACES!!!!

Stop whatever the fuck you’re doing, and fucking answer me. And don’t EVEN pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’ve seen your crusty little shitbag eyes staring at my coffee mug in the status meeting. You all practically drool like those fucking retards at the mall who won’t get their stupid gay wheelchairs out of my way when I’m trying to get into Brookstone to buy a new Shiatsu fucking foot massager that my moron wife broke even after I told her not to fucking touch it!

But, to continue this fucking farce, I’ll describe the mug, even though you all know goddamn well what it fucking looks like.

1. It’s shaped like a fucking COFFEE MUG. (Pic attached below.)

2. It has a picture of Mickey Mouse in an office setting. He’s holding a pencil in one hand and he’s on a cordless phone. He’s looking up and to the left like he’s having a conversation with some asshole he works with who will probably steal his favorite fucking coffee mug at some point then deny it.

3. There’s a fucking computer on his desk and his briefcase is open, revealing what are probably very fucking important documents. He’s wearing a fucking necktie.

4. Under his feet it says (as if you all don’t fucking know):
“C.E.O.”
Creative • Energetic • Optimistic

If the fucking mug isn’t on my desk CLEAN by end of business today, I will burn this fucking office down with all of you in it. I will then return after the fire is out to take a big Chinese Food shit on your ashes.

Please reply to me only.

Does the title of this reality series sound like a bad ’80s breakup song? Answer: YES.
Do I sing in this video? Answer: YES, but only briefly.
Is this the third question in this post? Answer: Shhhhhh…

What happens if the regular folks on the show don’t want to go back to their mundane, non-celebrity lives? I smell awkward cross promotional sponsorship deal!

She ascribes a whole emotional spectrum to an animal that, though very temper prone, has a very limited range of feelings. In fact, I’ll just say it. CATS HAVE ONE EMOTION AND THAT IS MURDER.

Hoisted high
A cat in a good mood will always be looking to pick a fight, so when you see a tail set confidently a-high like the mast of a pirate ship filled with similarly minded killers, BE CAREFUL. Do not stare directly at your cat, keep your face out of murder-reach, and above all carry a gun and a flashlight. Semi automatic is recommended because cats are fast and most know some form of Jeet Kune Do, but what’s worse, cats travel using the shadows themselves as a medium. They can pounce at you from any source of darkness, but a well timed burst from a flashlight can dissolve that cat back into the in-between place they originally came from.  They will of course return, and probably in numbers, but this will give you the precious 5-10 seconds you’ll need to leave your house (forever–you must never return) and move to sun drenched Arizona, which, no surprise, has the lowest cat to owner murder ratio in the country.

Question mark
A tail that’s shaped like a question mark is the cat’s way of letting you know it’s thinking deeply about how best to (most painfully) kill you. Know this: Whichever path to your doom it chooses, the last thing all cats go for is your eyes. They want you alive to watch as they rip into your chest and pull out first one lung then the other, and finally pull your liver, heart and other vitals which they will then curse using their cat magic (resulting in your soul being forced to walk the earth and serve your cat overlords until they finally perish after the usual 10,000 years that most cats live) and then urinate on using their cat bladders. This would be a good time to engage in last will and testament writing, prayer, or, though it seldom works, petitioning the King of the Cats Mordecai Clawvidaniya.

Flying low
You gonna die, son.

Tucked away
This means that your cat has sharpened its tail and wants to test out the effectiveness of it by stabbing your face through one eyeball, letting the tail come out the backside of your head, curving around then piercing back into your skull and out your face through the other eyeball. With both eyeballs skewered onto his tail like a scleral shishkabob, your cat will jauntily flick them off and into the air and out the nearest window where one of its crow servants will snatch them mid-throw and deliver them to your cat’s secret pile of eyeballs, which all cats have but which no one has ever seen–for obvious reasons. We only know they exist thanks to a few traitorous crows who reneged on their allegiance to their cat masters in exchange for diplomatic immunity and the right to eat any and all elderly people once Medicare and Medicaid are dissolved. Since that would leave our nation with a surplus of peoples, the U.S. government has agreed that the crows would at that point be providing a valuable public service.

Puffed up
Your cat is chilly and intends to tear your insides out and sleep in your guts until it feels warm again.

Whipping
A tail that whips back and forth indicates that your cat is hungry for baby breath–their main source of sustenance. If you have any children, now would be a good time to have social services assign an assistant to him or her since after having its breath aka life force stolen your child will remain a vacant-eyed humunculoid until such time as your cat deigns to end the farce, remove those vacant eyes, and relieve your family of the burden of pretending to care about your now spiritless meat mannequin.

Swishing
A tail that swishes from side to side is referred to as “The Horizontal Guillotine” by those in the cat-know. Your cat is telling you that though it’s too tired to do it now, soon enough it will come for you and that there is nothing you can do to stop it. And it’s right. You can’t. So just stop thinking about what you can do to survive right now and get used to the idea that you will soon be dead, probably eyeless, and just one more manufactured statistic by the police who refuse to believe that most ritual style serial killings are not done by humans but by seemingly friendly felines, a fact about which I have written many letters to them!

Twitching
As the old rhyme teaches us: Twitching tail, holy fuck you’re about to die RUN RUN RUN!!!

Cat-to-cat
A tail wrapped around another cat is how cats share race memories. When one cat does this to another, it is a signal that he is ready to pass back into the nightmare realm and forever leave behind the corporeal extension into our dimensional which we know as cats. Once the exchange is complete, one cat will simply vanish as its consciousness returns to its unknowable source, while the other will gain all the wisdom and knowledge of the millions of cats that came before it. Then it will probably lick itself for a while. Then kill you.

Well I hope this guide to cat tail signals was as informative as it was terrifying. Remember, never ever get a cat, but if you do decide you want one (to end your life), please adopt. No really. I mean that part. And the part about how Melissa’s article was actually really informative and how I hope she and care2.com know I’m just joking which I just said right now. Please don’t start a campaign against me, Care2. I don’t think I can take it right now. Maybe in the fall. I’m usually in a better mood then.

Also, seriously, visit the ASPCA and donate money or time, or just take home a fuzzy adoptee.