If you find yourself stuck in a Monday morning status meeting, here are a few tips to keep things running smoothly.

1. Bring a bull whip to the meeting. After each item on the status report has been covered, make that cool WAH-KSHH! sound with the whip. If the meeting leader is too low-energy for your liking, whip him in the fuckin’ face.

2. Suggest a “trust-building” exercise to make people more at ease. Convince a co-worker to fall backwards into your arms, then don’t catch them. Everyone will laugh, especially if the person who falls is an older woman. People just love seeing an old lady hit the deck.

3. If anyone raises questions or concerns about anything on the status report, repeat what they say in that great retard voice you do. Try to remember to make your hands look all palsy. You can also use an over the top “sissy voice.” That one never gets old.

4. If someone is calling in to the meeting, expose your balls to the speaker phone. If you’re a woman, expose your vagina. They’ll never know, but YOU’LL know!

5. Sigh loudly and often and roll your eyes like there’s no tomorrow. After all, you’re above all this petty shit and you’re quitting this stupid job as soon as the economy shapes up.

6. Look around the room and try to imagine how each of your co-workers lives. How they look sleeping, having sex, moving their bowels, indulging in their pathetic hobbies, beating their spouses and children. God, they suck.

7. Crank up the black metal. We’ve found Norwegian bands work best for this purpose.

8. Boring, poorly-conducted meetings lead to reduced morale. Use this as an opportunity to gain new members for your suicide cult.

9. Catch someone’s eye and run your index finger across your throat, just under your jawline, then point at them. Close your eyes, revealing YOU’RE DEAD written on your eyelids in Sharpie.

10. About 5 minutes into the meeting, excuse yourself by announcing “I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM REAL BAD” then pull the fire alarm. Everyone will be so emotionally spent worrying about terrorism and dying at work that they’ll spend the rest of the day focusing on “what’s really important” like calling people they love. What a bunch of pussies.

To: ALL EMPLOYEES
Priority: URGENT
Subject: WHERE THE FUCK IS MY FAVORITE COFFEE MUG?!?!?!
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Attention Assholes:
First, allow me to thank you all for reducing me to typing profanity in a company-wide email. It really makes me feel GREAT to see my years of professionalism slide down the fucking toilet like some fucking corn-studded turds. I’ll make this quick, because I’m so fucking angry I’m about to pass fucking out. I repeat:

WHERE IS MY COFFEE MUG, YOU FUCKING ASS-DEMON COCKFACES!!!!

Stop whatever the fuck you’re doing, and fucking answer me. And don’t EVEN pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’ve seen your crusty little shitbag eyes staring at my coffee mug in the status meeting. You all practically drool like those fucking retards at the mall who won’t get their stupid gay wheelchairs out of my way when I’m trying to get into Brookstone to buy a new Shiatsu fucking foot massager that my moron wife broke even after I told her not to fucking touch it!

But, to continue this fucking farce, I’ll describe the mug, even though you all know goddamn well what it fucking looks like.

1. It’s shaped like a fucking COFFEE MUG. (Pic attached below.)

2. It has a picture of Mickey Mouse in an office setting. He’s holding a pencil in one hand and he’s on a cordless phone. He’s looking up and to the left like he’s having a conversation with some asshole he works with who will probably steal his favorite fucking coffee mug at some point then deny it.

3. There’s a fucking computer on his desk and his briefcase is open, revealing what are probably very fucking important documents. He’s wearing a fucking necktie.

4. Under his feet it says (as if you all don’t fucking know):
“C.E.O.”
Creative • Energetic • Optimistic

If the fucking mug isn’t on my desk CLEAN by end of business today, I will burn this fucking office down with all of you in it. I will then return after the fire is out to take a big Chinese Food shit on your ashes.

Please reply to me only.