Drink at Work

NO PRIOR KNOWLEDGE: PAST LIFE

2010-02-06T14:26:00.001-05:00

This week I spent some time really THINKING about the show I was assigned. You know...REALLY just thinking about it. Then, I realized it didn't deserve that kind of attention and ripped it to pieces like I usually do. Enjoy my take on PAST LIFE, the start-of-season mid-season pre-replacement.

Misfortune Cookies

2010-02-03T12:13:00.002-05:00

A Wealthy People's History of the United States: Higgenbottom's Early Years

2010-01-28T13:00:00.001-05:00

In honor of Howard Zinn who passed away today, we present again this excerpt from Drink At Work's satirical history series told from the vantage point of a Gilded Age plutocrat, "A Wealthy People's History of the United States." Generally speaking, we are all are deeply indebted to Mr. Zinn for humanizing history and providing the deeper connection of social justice throughout many eras. More specifically however, without Hoard Zinn's work, the story of Jonas Mayfew Higgenbottom could never have been told. For that...we thank you, sir.

More installments of this series will be forthcoming, but for those already posted, a quick google search including drinkatwork.com and "A Wealthy People's History" should turn all of them up. Good hunting.

THE YEARS ASCENDANT

Many letters written from Jonas to his parents and friends exist, but the most rife with insight into his personality are surely those that came during his formative years at the boarding school, St. Giles School For Male Youth, located in the brutal pastoral country of New Rotterdam, New Hampshire. The school is, incidentally, still standing and continues to produce a startlingly high percentage of our nation’s leaders, including the last 15 presidents, over 2/3rds of the current sitting Senate, and nine of nine of our Supreme Court Justices. Below is a small sampling of these letters, transcribed from Jonas’ handwritten journals. He once remarked sadly that he felt as if he were “born with the wits of an adult but the body of a small adult, or an infant if you will.” Truer words have never been spoken. We are positive that his keen intellect will become, after reading these treasured letters, immediately apparent to anyone who is not stupid.
----------------------------------------------

A LETTER FROM JONAS TO HIS MOTHER,
ERNESTINE RAY HIGGENBOTTOM

Dearest Mother,

I trust this note finds you in good health. I suggest you take a moment to top off your nightly dram of gin, as I have most ominous news to relate.

You may recall, fourteen letters ago, in footnote twelve, that I was beginning to suspect that I might indeed have a nemesis, as all Great Men do in the course of their lives. And you may recall, seven letters ago, in chapter two, that I was certain I would be named the youngest-ever Captain of the Saint Giles varsity crew. Well, Mother, I was wrong on both counts.

Firstly, with regard to the crew. While dominating the earliest regattas of the fall and earning the accolades of all present, I was stricken with a sudden and unexpected emptiness after vanquishing the St. George's squad. It is an emptiness unlike any I have ever encountered, and I think it fit to capitalize the "E" henceforth. Please permit me at least this amount of poetry.

I digress. As I was saying, at the finish of the singles "sculling," my chums held me high - with no shortage of "huzzahs" and "whoops" and "hollers," I might add - but while my body strode Heaven-ward, no amount of lifting could raise my soul. The Emptiness in my heart was simply un-bearable, and I quit the crew mid-way through the 8-man race that closed the day, rolling sideways into the Charles River at the turn and remaining submerged for ten minutes, alone with my thoughts and very pleased I had taken up holding my breath as an occasional pass-time two summers ago in Nanutcket.

As for the issue of my nemesis, my error was one of magnitude - as I learned that I am not to be blessed with a single nemesis - no, Mother, I found that I am surrounded by nemeses! Seven to be exact! Silly boys with little understanding of the value of Practical Arts and Honest Living. It would be sufficiently galling if these children - and, oh, they are children indeed - simply idled away their time rolling hoops and roughhousing on the fine New Hampshire grass, leaving a young man such as I to his own dark musings. Nay! These children cannot leave well enough alone! I will spare you the details of their hazings, but do thank Wilhouse, our trusty butler, for schooling me well in the un-tying of knots and the picking of even the most complex locks, despite your sternest protests!

Mother, please accept my apologies, as I am growing weary and this is not likely to be another ten thousand word missive, as is generally my custom. The Emptiness is weighing my pen down most heavily tonight, so I shall simply bid you adieu.

Stay strong, Mother. I hope this letter did not trouble you greatly. Remember, the mass of men are weak, but I trust that we shall prevail, in whatever endeavour we choose for me.

Fondly,
JH

NO PRIOR KNOWLEDGE: SOUTHLAND

2010-01-28T09:59:00.002-05:00

Episode 101 of No Prior Knowledge is here folks. That's right...we celebrated 100 but now we just have to move on like the brave web soldiers we are.

This week, I discuss why SOUTHLAND, though packed with great actors, probably should not be packed into any network's line up. "A rookie and a seasoned vet become partners" is the plot? Really? I think my idea for keeping the cast but changing the plot and title of Southland into essentially a new show called "AMBULANCE COPS: America's Loudest Heroes" could be the one thing that at least saves SOUTHLAND from complete cancellation.

Roll it.

Drink at Work Headlines

2010-01-26T18:17:00.008-05:00

We read the news too, ya know...

Scott's announces deal with MLB to provide stadium grass mixtures for sale to the public, Yankees and Red Sox fans commence lawn sabotage.

Boston, MA - "I was mowin' the lawn and I noticed the clippins smelled different." Danny O'Maley, a life-long Bostonian and self-proclaimed back-up Shortstop for the Boston Red Sox, found his lawn overrun with what can only be described as an "unwanted visitor". Mr. O'Maley is an unfortunate victim of lawn sabotage. "Evah since thaht Scohtt's Miracle Grow came out with the 'MLB Stadium Blends', we've all hahd to be on the lookout foah the Goddamned Spankee grass!" Officially named "Yankee Stadium Blend", it just one of the 30 blends now available to consumers, thanks to a joint effort between the MLB and Scott's Miracle Grow.

It has also been maliciously planted among Danny's prized "Fenway Blend".

Viewed as a revolutionary idea, the MLB/Scott's grass merger has been greatly embraced by Baseball fans across the country. That is, until the blends starting hitting hardware stores in the Northeast. William Peepod, spokesman for the Scott's company says he hasn't been surprised by the recent lawn problems between Red Sox and Yankees fans. "We knew there was the possibility of sabotage, but to be perfectly honest, we didn't think anyone would be smart enough to tell the difference. It's really just a conversation point to say your grass is the same as Fenway Park, or Yankee Stadium." As for the idea that the various blends' clippings have distinct smells, Mr. Peepod was skeptical. "What a load! These are blends of grass, not perfumes. Frankly, I've had it with the Boston/New York rivalry. Those monkeys will find anything to fight about. It's GRASS, you drunken troglodytes. Jesus Mary and Joseph!" Peepod then claimed his allegiance to the Pittsburgh Pirates and mumbled something about "big money and jerks ruining the game."

None of this was consolation to Mr. O'Maley, who claimed to have a plan of retaliation for his particular lawn saboteurs. "I goht a cahn o' gasoline in the caah paht and I'm plannin' to do my own 'creative' wohk on the mothah fah**ah's lawn." When asked if he had any other evidence that his Boston lawn had been seeded with New York Yankees grass, he seemed surer than ever: "Just look at the plush and shine on that lawn! You cahn't tell me thaht's not a front lawn on steroids! Fah**in' A-Rod might as well have pissed all over it." He added, "And it's not just me this impahcts, ya know? My kids cry every time they try and use the fah**in' Slip n' Slide. It's Fah**in' tragic. A Gohddamned tragedy, foh shuh."

And the rivalry continues...

Fake Rockstar, Drink at Work.com, Boston, Massachusetts.

NO PRIOR KNOWEDGE: 100th Anniversary Episode

2010-01-25T13:29:00.003-05:00

Huzzah. I made it to 100 episodes and have just been renewed for, gosh, who knows how many more. What great times we live in when weird, hilarious, and surprisingly cool comedians named Sean Crespo get to make a living shooting videos in his, as Tommy Wiseau might put it, "underwears." Blessed be the geek. Amen.

Olbermann's Special Comment Regarding the Supreme Court's decision on Citizens United v. FEC

2010-01-22T17:15:00.002-05:00

Olbermann's Special Comment Regarding the Supreme Court's decision on Citizens United v. FEC:

@SeanCrespo Tweet Round Up

2010-01-21T16:18:00.005-05:00

SCOTUS ruling on Space-Time Continuum: "It IS legally permissible to segregate Space & Time into separate but equal universal fabrics."

If corporations are now people, what's to stop them from marrying homosexuals or box turtles?

I have a jar of free speech I'm going to cash in at the SpeechStar at Duane Reade today!

If money=speech, what is credit equivalent to, smalltalk?

Are we in the second act of a Miyazaki film where the bad guys have all the power but then a cat-bus or feisty little girl saves the day?

Can we racially profile corporations with names like, say, Blackwater now? I mean, what kind of name IS that anyway?

We all know the old saying, "Money talks. Bullshit also talks." So the SCOTUS ruling is not surprising.

Since money=speech, I am using Bush's THOUSAND POINTS OF LIGHT speech to pay my electric bill this month.

The good news about money=speech is that you can declare words on your taxes.

Is corporate welfare now just regular welfare? Can we start giving corporations government cheese in lieu of of subsidies?

The Dread Pirate Roberts Court to America: "Good work, sleep well, I'll most likely kill you in the morning."

Supreme Court is SCOTUS, the President is POTUS. So what name do we give Corporate Oligarchical Interests? How about COITUS?

Hey, good news. Corporations are people now! They've been made flesh. KILL KILL KILL. (start with Monsanto)

Starting group, the Earthers, cuz I don't believe conservatives were born on Earth. No evidence but, it's a "belief" so you must respect it.

THE BLOB WHO LIKES TO BLAB

2010-01-15T18:01:00.005-05:00

Earlier today I was Spartacus. And now at the tail end of the week, I'm THE BLOB WHO LIKES TO BLAB for the Electric Company. Gosh, when will it just please stop raining raw talent inside of my brain? Probably never. Sorry, America.

NO PRIOR KNOWLEDGE: SPARTACUS

2010-01-15T13:39:00.001-05:00

This week, I am (a guy who does a web video about a TV show called) Spartacus (:Blood & Sand). I think by watching this video you'll find the answer to the question, "Why don't people wear codpieces more often?" Also if you were asking that question...you probably work at a Ren Fair. So...keep doing...that.

How We Met: A Love Story for Our Time

2010-01-13T11:47:00.002-05:00

A beach, The Beach, a bitch...these are the things that brought Sean Crespo and I together. Perhaps you think you have a better love story? If so, record your own and post it as a video response. The best story wins VIP dinner and tickets to see Judah Friedlander, Mr. True Love himself, at Comix on Valentine's Day. Awww...

Special bonus! Sean's alternate take:

WORST LOGLINES for January 13, 2010

2010-01-13T11:23:00.003-05:00

SUNNIER DAYS: Apollo takes a break from carting the sun round the earth to get his personal life together, then ants attack.

ONLY THE LOEBLY: A Lisa Loeb impersonator tracks down the mythical faked Constitution signing footage & starts the Masons.

TRACK ATTACK: Trains reveal that they are self aware & enslave humanity to build tracks into space so they can return home.

Graham Catman takes a moment to face groom Fenchurch J. Nuisance.

2010-01-12T17:59:00.001-05:00

NO PRIOR KNOWLEDGE: THE DEEP END

2010-01-11T15:36:00.001-05:00

The second episode for this week is about the THE DEEP END, a show revolving around L.A. lawyers, or "L.A. law" if you will. No relation.

America, I ask you here, I ask you now...please stop making shows about lawyers, doctors, and cops. You did a great job making interesting TV out of all of those professions for a good long stretch, but it's time to move on and mine other occupations for their particular dramas. Pick a city and a job. I will support whatever show you come up with. Baton Rouge librarians and Boston crane operators. Doesn't matter. Just no more lawyers, docs, or cops. Please.

NO PRIOR KNOWLEDGE: Life Unexpected

2010-01-11T13:17:00.002-05:00

This week, we'll be catching up on NO PRIOR KNOWLEDGE with three episodes to feast on. Life Unexpected up now, the story of an orphan who emancipates herself and then meets her biological parents. If she were a cyborg I'd be interested. You know, a half robot with human parents who gave up that robo-kid...now THAT'S television!

But since it's the CW making this show, I'm sure at some point instead of the orphan revealing she has wires for blood and a computer for a heart (INTERESTING!), at some point she'll find herself just bursting with something to say but she won't be able to speak it because the feeling will be so big and she'll just break into song for "a thru'penny" or a "spot of gruel" and belt out some inspirational thoughts on what "keeps me in da chips, guv, keeps me in da chips...it's a smile and a wink...TOOOOO....(key change) DAAAAAAAY!"

DRINK AT WORK'S ECO TIPS: SOLAR EMPOWERMENT 2

2010-01-08T09:00:00.001-05:00

SOLAR EMPOWERMENT

This winter beat the lack of heat without burning coal, oil, or hobos. Instead, go solar and build your own thermascope, a simple DIY device that is like a telescope but one that concentrates the winter’s dim sunlight into a deadly laser!

You probably already know most of this, so we’re going to skip the more obvious steps. To get started, grab the 40 lbs. of abrasive silicon carbide powder that’s probably just gathering dust in your kitchen next to the cesium you only bring out for important guests. Then, get out your 16 3/5’s by 10 5/17’s meter metal block…aluminum is fine for amateurs but the pros prefer vanadium—Ok blah blah blah. I know you know all this! Then just melt, grind, and polish. You should have ten lenses, each the size of an angry horse.

Now mount and align all ten lenses on the side of your apartment building (along with a multi-phase coherence amplification module, duh!), and every day at noon your thermascope will focus the winter sun’s gossamer rays into a murderous pinpoint of alternative energy. Last Step: Place a dumptruck’s worth of hay underneath the boiler--Watch your hands…Are they still there? Super—and the hay should quickly go from a solid to an on-fire state, heating the water in your boiler. Congratulations! You now get 100% of your hot water directly from the sun. You’ll be the envy of your neighbors and the topic of several high profile news reports in no time.

NO PRIOR KNOWLEDGE: CAPRICA

2010-01-07T09:08:00.003-05:00

I loved BSG. I will love Caprica. But maybe the show could look a little less "Madmen" and a little more "we've discovered interstellar travel and have numerous human colonies." The alternate universe future doesn't have to be slick, but it also doesn't have to look like it's waiting for you to ask it to go steady and take it to the fishes under the sea dance.

THE CHEVY CHASE

2010-01-06T12:06:00.003-05:00

So it's here. The electric car. General Motors has announced the production of the Chevy Volt, a sleek and sporty sedan that claims to run up to 40 mph on a single charge. City livin' with the Volt would mean hardly ever filling up with unleaded. That means near-zero emisions! Who's not gonna want this car? Who doesn't want to save the world... WITH THEIR CAR? This is the end of poverty, crime and snow in the Carolinas! This is 2010 future shit. This is Marty McFly and Doc Brown kinda crap. This is HEAVY.

"Look out global climate change... And the deaf! The Volt is here! "

Of course, the amount of energy to produce the Volt will no doubt be astronomical. Not to mention the out of pocket price, as well as the possibility of electrocution when you try and change your own oil... Or windshield wipers. There's also those studies that conclude deaf people are screwed with the proliferation of electric cars – Their helper dogs can't hear them, pulling their handicapped masters into traffic. Where are the electric helper dogs, America? Japan? Nerds?

"We're saving the world! In style!"

Have you seen the Volt? Remember the 60s when they opined on auto designs in the magical future of the 80s? It's like that, only with newer fonts and lights on the rear view mirrors... And am I the only one who hears Volt and immediately thinks of a DC or Marvel tie in? How long before the "new" cape-less Superman plugs the Volt on the Tee Vee and on the YouTubes? Will The Flash be seen driving his family to Flash... Things? This all feels like the time Subaru tried to be cool with the XT. I believe the Federal Goverment still places restrictions in Subaru's use of angles because of that debacle.

"Why spew toxic fumes, when you can dim your neighbor's lights instead?"

Today, GM announced a plant dedicated to building the huge Lithium Ion batteries that power the Volt. Do they know something we don't know? In an economy where the middle class is considering bread lines and food stamps, is there a real call for an over $40,000 electric Atari 2600? With the cash people drop to have the car, coupled with an enormous electric bill, "power crime" can't be too far behind. Theives using sophisticated equipment like "extension cords" will break into their neighbor's house, pass the TV and the jewerly for the nearest outlet. Law & Order: Power Crime Unit springs to mind.

"The Chevy Volt: Cool. Right?"

And I still want one. Dammit.

Misfortune Cookies

2010-01-06T11:09:00.001-05:00

Misfortune Cookies

2010-01-05T11:33:00.003-05:00

RYAN PAULSON & FRIENDS at Eastville January 20

2010-01-04T18:51:00.003-05:00

Happy New Year! Now go see this show.
It will feature (and possibly in this order)...

Danny Leary

Sean Crespo

Ellis and Park

Shawn Hollenbach

Dave Dickerson

Sandra Bulleo

Tom Shillue

Warren Holstein

Ann Carr

Ben Kissel

and Mr. Ryan Paulson himself.

The 10 Best "Best of the Decade" Lists

2010-01-04T15:39:00.002-05:00

We like a list. Here's a list of some lists we really liked.

10 Best Hockey Fights of the Decade

50 Worst Songs of the '00s

Best Science of the Decade

The Ten Biggest Assholes of the Decade

10 Dumbest Celebrity Quotes of the Decade

10 Ugliest Web Sites of the Decade

10 Best Internet Memes of the Decade

Best Workout Songs of the Decade

The 15 Biggest PR Disasters of the Decade

The Top 10 Conservative Movies of the Last Decade

Moonwork: Myq Kaplan, Michelle Buteau, Sean Crespo, Kumail Nanjiani, God's Pottery, and of course Tom Shillue

2010-01-04T11:21:00.001-05:00

Moonwork presents
An Evening of Original Works

Saturday, January 9th at 9pm

Myq Kaplan
Michelle Buteau
Sean Crespo
Kumail Nanjiani
God's Pottery
and
Tom Shillue

The Phil Coltoff Center at Greenwich Village
Children's Aid Society
219 Sullivan Street
between Bleecker & West 3rd

$20

21 and over please

ID required

http://www.moonwork.org

http://www.myspace.com/moonworknyc

Misfortune Cookies

2010-01-04T10:14:00.002-05:00

SUPERFAN REMAKE OF MY CHI CHI'S CYBORG SPOT

2009-12-31T11:07:00.003-05:00

It's official. I'm in a famous commercial. Someone tell my parents! Neither of whom I speak to!

Also, call the police.