-
Unless
you still think the best route to Cameroon is US 95 South, do
not consult MapQuest again.
-
For the love of God, place the new puppies on TOP of the sled
gift pile this year
-
Keep pre-flight partying to a minimum, especially any grand
ideas to mix Jagermeister and egg nog. “Jag Nog”—what
the hell was that?
-
Bring note informing little Jimmy Tilbert of Dayton, Ohio for
the third year in a row that there does not exist a two-player
party game called “Hammer Fight.”
-
Bring own snack food. Raiding kitchens in America because you’re
starving is bad enough. Raiding kitchens in Uzbekhastan is just
plain heartless.
-
This year don’t forget that several million children also
live in trailers…and Wyoming.
-
Avoid having to rent Ryder truck at last minute by making certain
reindeer are actually connected to sled before take-off.
-
Fulfill promise to brother-in-law and bring along CD recording
of his band “Illinoise” to listen to on trip.
-
Switch from Sprint to another cell phone provider before Christmas
Eve. Not being able to get a signal in Krakow is understandable.
Not being to get a signal in midtown Manhattan is inexcusable.
-
Give elves their usual Christmas bonus—a $25 gift certificate
to the Outback Steakhouse.
-
Save time, travel and headaches by organizing gifts in bag according
to country, not child’s height.
-
No matter how bad it gets out there that night, just keep telling
yourself, “Hey, at least I’m no longer working in
marketing.”
-
Instead of packing several hundred different suits so as to
adhere to each region’s traditional depiction of St. Nick,
introduce universal “Gap Santa” outfit.
-
Try for once not to give rich kids everything they never needed
and poor kids a “sampling” of crayons swiped from
pediatricians’ waiting rooms.
-
If any child sees you, quickly apply “sleeper hold.”
