Halloween Party Rules, Reminders and Regrets

• Going as either Kerry or Bush will result in a 46% to 53% chance of getting your ass thoroughly beaten, depending on that day’s polling numbers.
  
  
• Although the 80’s undoubtedly provide a wellspring of crowd-pleasing costume ideas, that still doesn’t make the concept of a grown man dressed as Punky Brewster any less creepy.
  
  
• As clever as you might believe it to be, never dress as the ghost of a recently shot celebrity.
  
  
• If you are a white male and have decided to go as either Mr. Miyagi from “The Karate Kid” or Bookman from “Good Times,” you deserve every punch to the face you get.
  
  
• Any costume that requires an assistant or colostomy bag for regular bladder relief is far too complicated of an outfit.
  
  
• Nothing combines tragedy and comedy like the sight of someone floating dead in the host’s swimming pool dressed as Spongebob Squarepants.
  
  
• Should two people dressed up as Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots get into a vicious bar brawl, realize this is why cellphones now come with cameras.
  
  
• When opting for a homemade costume, know that there is a fine line between expressing one’s immense creativity and revealing one’s abject poverty.
  
  
• Should you and your significant other go to the party as a pimp and his whore, please understand that conclusions will be drawn.
  
  
• If you find yourself repeatedly exclaiming, “Jesus, doesn’t anyone know the works of John Cassavetes!” you’ve clearly dressed up as far too obscure of a movie character.
  
  
• Don’t drink to the point that you begin to mistake your costume for your uniform.
  
  
• Going as a victim of Tourette’s Syndrome not only eliminates the need for a particular wardrobe but also allows you to express yourself in ways you never imagined permissible in polite society or an office party.
  
  
• You and your friends can only remain dressed as a peanut butter & jelly sandwich for so long before tensions start to rise.
  
  
• Any Halloween costume that requires a concealed weapon is perhaps one best left on the drawing board.
  
  
• If you attend a Halloween party dressed as an alcoholic—and you are in fact an alcoholic—appreciate the awkward situation that you have just created for your host.
  
  
• Going as a Rubik’s Cube will only frustrate fellow guests and leave you exceptionally sore.
  
  
• No matter what the costume, don’t wear a dog collar unless a good 80% of the partygoers are sporting leather and zipper masks.
  
  
• Forget Jason, Michael Myers or Freddy Kruger. There is no more frightening of a costume than a clown carrying a bloody knife and dragging a full, leaking Hefty bag.
  
  
• Should more than five people look at your costume and utter, “I don’t get it,” you might have overestimated the general public’s grasp of 17th century social satire.
  
  
• If you are over 35 and are currently flipping through your Marvel comic book collection for costume ideas, you’re probably not going to be invited to a Halloween party after all.