20 Last-Minute Events That Could Drastically Alter the Outcome of the Election

• Alabama is raptured.
  
  
• Sinclair Broadcasting Group forgoes supporting Bush in favor of Hitler clone.
  
  
• A fourth debate is held using the heretofore unrecognized “playing the dozens” format.
  
  
• Karl Rove quits Republican Party in utter despair when the last petal falls off the enchanted rose and he is doomed to remain a beast forever.
  
  
• Bush horribly mispronounces “Nigeria.”
  
  
• John Edwards is discovered to be only 29 years old, casting undesired media interest on his 27-year marriage.
  
  
• C.H.U.D.s remobilize as a voting bloc.
  
  
• Florida inadvertently tallies its votes correctly.
  
  
• Given the full support of the global community, Canada and Mexico proceed with their plan to have an unobstructed view of each other.
  
  
• Kerry loses the common-man vote when he answers the question “What is your favorite food?” with “croquembouche.”
  
  
• Dick Cheney’s on-air cackle causes the innocent to bleed out.
  
  
• It is learned the “Coalition of the Willing” now includes only two nations—Narnia and Flatland.
  
  
• Alan Greenspan redefines the status of the economy from “recession” to “hunting and gathering.”
  
  
• Undecided voters finally read a fucking newspaper.
  
  
• Fox News Network loses its core viewers when they discover it has a lesbian sister station.
  
  
• God reveals He doesn’t actually bless nations, only sports franchises.
  
  
• Democrats get their hands on the schematics to the GOP Death Star.
  
  
• Republican Party steps up campaign tactics with drive-by shootings.
  
  
• Osama Bin Laden is shown captured 24 hours before Election Day—clean shaven, well-fed and wearing a Georgetown “Comfort Inn” bathrobe.