After the Avian Flu Pandemic

The few survivors break into two warring factions, “The Feral Slashers” and “The Milksop Fops.” The ensuing battle is swift and decisive.

With mankind decimated, the apes and insects vie for leadership of the planet. The winner abuses their new-found power. The loser sends countless emails to former supporters.

The Christian Right’s belief that the avian flu is God’s way of smiting His enemies is both tested and proved when Pat Robertson drops dead.

eBay fails to make its financial projections for the first time in years when people simply take to rummaging through depopulated cities for crap.

With a new civilization comes a new Creation Myth, one that states, “In the beginning there were canned goods and Lou’s Dodge Dart…”

Despite the absence of any atomic blast and in defiance of the “square-cube law,” the world is overrun with 40-story rabbits.

Department of Homeland Security deflects accusations of its failure to manage the crisis by proclaiming genocidal disease is more the responsibility of your County Clerk.

Out of respect for the worldwide extermination of most of the human race, “The Tonight Show” goes on hiatus for a week.

Thwarted by budget cuts, medical rivalries and political grandstanding, the research community forgoes finding a cure for the flu and concentrates on making a tastier Splenda.

With 98% of earth’s population gone, friend requests on MySpace take a far more desperate tone.

Geeks everywhere argue whether or not the sudden legion of zombies really should be moving that fast.

The Center for Disease Control drops the last “C” from its abbreviation.

Sensing there is no longer a housing market, Manhattan real estate prices experience a momentary dip.

Stephen King’s “The Stand” is re-filmed with a live webcast.

In a new world where everyone must now provide a service crucial to the survival of mankind, the humor writers find themselves pretty much fucked.