The Drink at Work.com Fall 2005 Horoscope

Aquarius: Sooner or later you are going to have to realize that all the alcohol, all the powerful hallucinogenics, all the anonymous sex with groups of three or four people at a time simply will not bring back “Becker.”

Pisces: Proclaiming that your new film is a wrenching exploration of existential crisis does not excuse that fact that your main character took a full two-thirds of the movie to decide between Dial and Lever 2000.

Aries: Everything will be going your way both professionally and personally until the fateful day you arrive home to find your dog sitting upright on your favorite chair, drinking your best sherry and stating, “Things are going to be a lot different from here on out. A lot different.”

Taurus: To say that your actions have angered a few people over the years is to grossly underestimate the impact your volcano-top laser canon has had on your target cities.

Gemini: Breeding a new race of “lobstermen” will not only earn you the awe of your contemporaries but will more or less make the scientific community’s “publish or perish” credo a moot point in your case.

Cancer: Everything that you have been raised to believe, everything that you have ever held to be true will be completely discredited by a quote from a Ray Stevens song on the back of a Starbucks cup.

Leo: While the odds that you are indeed the absolute worst writer in the history of English literature is most assuredly slim, the fact that your dad said so during his toast at your wedding can’t help but still hurt.

Virgo: “Nobody likes a chatty hostage” is an aphorism you really should commit to memory before you stop at the bank next Tuesday.

Libra: The heebie-jeebies, the willies, the screaming meemies and the jimjams will all prove to be just some of the daily drawbacks to accepting a job as the assistant to a clown.

Scorpio: Aliens will abduct you for their intergalactic zoo not so much because you represent the prototypical human but because you were stupid enough to accept a ride from them to the mall.

Sagittarius: Yelling “Get out of dreams, get into my car!” will not only fail to lessen your nightmares but also confuse the hideous creatures that inhabit within.

Capricorn: Your ongoing belief that “you have to fight for your right to party” will result in one of the most awkward holiday gatherings in your office’s history.