Less-Then-Arresting Beginnings to Autobiographies
“Being
born without senses makes it difficult to know if I am actually
writing this book or not.”
“During
my lifetime I have made many powerful enemies, both in Everquest
as well as through Xbox Live.”
“As
head coach of the New York Yankees in the era of DiMaggio, Ford
and Mantle, I probably would have been great. I also think I would
have made one hell of a pirate or Humphrey Bogart.”
“My
ravenous sexual appetite is only superceded by my remarkable predilection
for self-denial.”
“Don’t
get me started on chalk…”
“My
day began in the usual fashion—at 3 P.M. Then back to sleep
by 4. Such is chronic narcolepsy.”
“Between
1969 and 1974 I was held captive by the Viet Cong. I was beaten
daily. I was forced to dine on my own excrement. And I whiled away
the days regaling myself with the adventures of Hamport, a Merchant
Marine pig who with his best friend—a wedge of cheese named
Gordo—sailed around the world in search of ‘rainbow
juice.’ This is Hamport’s story…”
“My
dad had boasted all his life that he was the very first scientist
to perfect human cloning. But it turned out my brother and I were
just twins instead.”
“The
story of how I wound up behind the deli counter at Food Lion is
a long and exhaustively detailed one.”
“I
may not be a famous man. I may not be a powerful man. I may not
have even led an interesting life. But I do have a long list of
grievances, starting with the Marlborough branch of State Farm Insurance…”
“This
is the story of ‘In Cold Blood’ as told by someone who
would have liked to have written it.”
“Not
good so English try me but.”
“Imagine
if someone were to find their birth parents after a 35-year search
only so wind up saying ‘eh.’”
“Maybe
if I liked myself more I wouldn’t have renamed this book’s
main character ‘Fat Fucking Loser.’”
“As
the world’s leading vampire hunter, I once killed a man in
a cape. Unfortunately, it turned out he wasn’t a bloodsucker
at all but just a natty dresser with a flair for the dramatic. Such
is my eagerness.”
|
