"Dipping your pen in the company ink." "Uploading
a new file." "Targeting your skill set for a niche
market." The euphemisms might have become increasingly
abstract and disturbing but the point remains the same—much
like a perverted squirrel, people who engage in office affairs
are fucking nuts. But when it comes to, ahem, "inserting
a new printer cartridge," the sanity of your actions
rarely comes into question. That’s because somewhere
between the oblivious and the obvious, between "kiss
me" and "bite me," lies that beautiful grace
period when the planets all seem to be aligned in your favor,
the stars all seem to be shining just for you and the Fates
are laughing so hard you can almost hear them choking. We
like to call that period "The Four Stages of Corporate
Copulation":
1.
The Initial Crush: Maybe it’s their smile. Maybe
it’s their effervescent personality. Maybe it’s
because they’re the only coworker to ever call you
by your name even though you’ve been with the company
for 12 full years—a fact that has made you so desperate
for any acknowledgment of your existence that you’re
willing to overlook the fact that they mispronounced "Tim"
as "Ralph." Whatever the reason you yearn to
be with them, which often leads you to…
2. That First Kiss: Whether it’s because you
got tipsy at an office holiday party, drunk at an after
work get-together or bat-blinding smashed at a corporate
budgetary meeting, that first forbidden kiss can either
result in excuses like "I mistakenly thought you
were someone in a position of power" or be that first
Corona-fueled step toward…
3. A Secret Fling: Stolen moments. Longing looks.
Suggestive remarks so poorly veiled that even the office
plants can figure out what’s going on. This is when
it gets good…by which we mean for the staff gossips,
who’ll be so tenacious in their pursuit for the truth
that they’ll make Columbo look like a concussed Chief
Wiggum. To combat the increased attention you’ll
soon find yourselves arriving at and leaving the office
at different times, making sure to be seen having lunch
with different people and enjoying a whole host of other
such activities as a new couple. A couple that should
all work out as it is meant to be will one day soon…
4. Exchange Stilted, Awkward Pleasantries about the
Weather: Well, you knew it couldn’t last. But
what a week, huh? It seems like only yesterday your thoughts
were just for one another. Now if you gave any less of
a shit about each other you’d be constipated. Once
the two of you could talk about anything for any length
of time. Today all you can do is cough "what dick?"
whenever the other presents at the weekly department meeting.
But just because you’re giving each other the silent
treatment doesn’t mean no one is talking. Remember
that morning you shared your most guarded secrets? Remember
that afternoon you felt close enough to cry in front of
the other person? Remember that night you oh-so-casually
brought up the subject of "golden showers"?
Well, you might as well have cc’d the entire office
after each encounter because it’s only going to be
a matter of minutes between hearing yourself say "it’s
over" and hearing your supervisor say "Hey,
can we call you Pee Pee Herman now?" Your credibility
will be shot. Your career will be smothered. Your confidence
will be hit repeatedly with a blunt instrument. Everything
you have worked so hard and so long for will all disappear
in the blink of an eye and violent twitch of your mouth.
But
when you think about it, that was bound to happen sooner
or later anyway so you might as well get laid.
