“Scarlet fever is just God’s way of saying, ‘Maybe next time you won’t forsake Me.’”

“Congratulations on what would have been your fifth wedding anniversary had you not married a jackass.”

“Grandparent’s Day is nothing but a pointless marketing scam, but since they already make this card, nana…”

“Invalid, schminvalid…”

“To the best little-leaguer around, thank you for missing that easy pop-up fly and helping daddy cover the spread.”

“Happy Valentine’s Day from a secret admirer. Now face your bedroom window, lose the pants and smile.”

“A toast to your sixth child. You can stop now.”

“May your every birthday wish come true, including that one with the lesbians.”

“To our son the new college graduate, stop making your mother cry, get your ass off our sofa and do something with your goddamn life.”

“Merry Winter Solsti…I’m sorry, I just can’t do this with a straight face.”

“Who knew dairy products could kill a dog?”

“In lieu of flowers, phone call or hospital visit, please enjoy this e-card.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

“By now you no doubt know I wasn’t your closest confidante but an undercover FBI agent. However…”

“Don’t you fucking lie to me. I know you turned 40.”

“Even though you can no longer see this card…”

“So you got engaged before I did. Well why don’t I just die?”

“Missing you still doesn’t excuse my erratic driving.”

“Syphilis?!? Now that’s just rich…”

“Really, I don’t know why I even bother.”

“Sorry for your loss, but she just liked me better.”

“To someone who thought he’d never have to face the consequences of his own actions…”

“You’ve got to believe me. I thought it was a prop gun.”

“To a good friend that I can’t make any clearer I don’t want to sleep with…”

“Good luck with all that.”