Update fall wardrobe by writing “2004” on all your old sweaters with a Sharpie. Ensure trendy look by hot-gluing current calendar page on back of all clothes.

Take family apple-picking in neighbor’s yard. If caught, repeatedly exclaim, “Fruit belongs to no one man!” as you violently try to yank the apple tree from the ground.

Attempt to “speed carve” pumpkins by attaching steak knives to all ten fingers. Inadvertently stab everything and everyone.

Play a rousing game of football with the family in the backyard. Make it interesting by placing a wager on the game’s outcome. Make it even more interesting by dividing the teams into “Adults” versus “Toddlers.”

Wile away the hours by naming and getting to know every single leaf on a tree. Sob uncontrollably each time one of those leaves falls off a branch and dies. Vow never to give your heart to another again.

Train pet cats to Greco-Roman wrestle each other so you won’t be bored during football commercial breaks.

Gather the family and tell horror stories in front of a roaring fireplace. Make the tales particularly effective by naming each of the stories’ murderers after an adult your children might know in the neighborhood. Conclude each yarn with the line, “And to this day they walk among us, making hash out of the young.”

Make the most of holiday office dinners by ordering the “surf & turf & sky”—lobster, steak and condor.

Get drunk on Halloween and go trick-or-treating as “That Asshole Neighbor Who Peed in Our Rose Bushes and Took a Swing at Our Mailbox.”

Try to find 300 uses for the common acorn. Eventually give up and focus solely on the acorn’s “projectile” properties.

Amp up excitement for Christmas by telling kids that Santa Claus has tripled both his productivity quotas and workforce, and therefore they can no doubt expect three times the presents this year. Giggle with anticipation for several months at the thought of how surprised your children will be when they find only socks and a Milton-Bradly boardgame under the tree come December 25th.

Insulate house with unused candy corn.

Shut off the TV and enjoy an activity that involves the entire family, like expressing disapproval.

Perfect ventriloquism act. Make Thanksgiving turkey “scream” whenever someone slices into the bird. Do same with pumpkin pie, bread rolls and butter. Enjoy 42 pounds of leftovers.

Be both cost-conscious and inventive when it comes to your children’s school supplies. When kids later ask why they have to use magazine subscription card inserts as notebook paper and charcoal briquettes as writing implements, make numerous yet purposefully vague allusions to “The Man.”

Replace s’mores with s’pam.

Tell children birds are heading south for the same reason their mommy and daddy are—to stay one step ahead of the creditors.