• Sen. John McCain attempts to run off stage during own pro-Bush speech, held back by attack dogs and firehoses.

• Delegates celebrate sanctity of their marriages by not proposing to any of the 12,000 prostitutes they ass-ram.

• Displays of "party inclusion" include cutaway shots to convention kitchen staff and tanned Bruce Willis.

• President officially introduced to delegates by corporate spokescharacters Pillsbury Doughboy and the Nike "Swoosh."

• Each day preceded by prayer and Dick Cheney removing still-beating heart from small Latino boy.

• Republicans redefine phrases "go die of poverty and pneumonia on your own" and "the will of the stockholders outweighs the will of the people" as "individualism" and "entrepreneurship."

• America loses last shred of international respect as Brooks and Dunn performance encourages world’s largest line-dance.

• During Fox News broadcast of President’s speech viewers hear Sean Hannity whacking off in press booth.

• When African-American Republican Alan Keyes takes podium, conventioneers shout drink orders.

• Madison Square Garden flooded in mass baptism. Survivors promised salvation and SUV.

• Cheney inadvertently refers to the Supreme Court as "my staff."

• Thousands of Republican delegates take to the streets in violent protest upon learning Manhattan doesn’t have a Shoney’s.

• In middle of praising husband to crowd, Laura Bush spaces out for 72 minutes.

• Bush proudly displays "B.C." comic strip in which character celebrates Jesus…10,000 years before birth of Christ. President laments, "If only cavemen actually existed."

• Influx of Republican delegates into Manhattan causes city’s white population to jump 6%, average cholesterol level to jump 830%.

• Iraq is referred to as "a victory," the economy is referred to as "on the rise" and Abu Ghraib is referred to as "the center for the Detroit Pistons."

• Constant delegate chanting causes dead to rise, babies to burn and oceans to turn to acid.

• Bush calls for passage of "We Knows What We Likes" Bill. All art funding to go to Hummel figurines, "Do I Look Like A Grandmother?" T-shirts and candles in the shape of fruit.

• Republicans voice concerns that cloning could lead to even more Catholics.

• BBC review of convention broadcast reads, "Like most American comedies, funny but not ‘ha ha’ funny."