Eventual Surface Findings from Recently-Launched Mars Probe

“God Bless Tharsis Montes” stickers everywhere.

Martian artists endlessly delighted with their own “cracked perspective” on life, world.

Inhabitants’ obesity constantly blamed on “overactive thyroid.”

Telescopic lens captures Martian blogger posting pictures of her cats.

Planet’s cell phone users still think saying “Can you hear me now?” is the height of witticism.

Martian reality stars honestly think feature-film career is next, logical step.

Probe’s antenna picks up only one transmission, repeated endlessly: Crazy Frog’s “Axel F” remix.

Planet’s marketing managers can’t comprehend why everyone isn’t always thinking about marketing.

Mars’ 24-hour news networks feature 12 hours of humorous animal footage.

Martians under false impression that they all have seven minutes of solid stand-up comedy within them.

Entire high-priced urban communities built solely on proximity to “specialty foods” market.

Table of contents page to Martian fashion magazines fucking impossible to find.

Martian independent-film theater playing $120 million Miramax movie.

Martian’s highest praise of a novel is that they were “able to read it in a single weekend.”

Construction of Martian Super Wal-Mart decried by upscale residents, but Martian Super Target welcomed with open arms.