Thoughts Entertained During the Long Drive Between Mobile and Birmingham, Alabama

Has there ever been a cow so big that even a vegetarian said, “We better kill that thing”?

If I were a career counselor for a midget, how long would I have to dance around the whole “circus” option?

What’s the longest you can continuously hum without people becoming gravely concerned about your mental health?

If I were a transformer I would be a gasoline truck because really, who’s gonna fuck with you?

Has anyone ever said, “I work for Arby’s” and expected applause?

If apes ever take over the planet would they air their own version of “American Idol”? Because I would watch that show.

Should during the course of a conversation with a fellow adult you learn that they were born while you were in high school, is it perfectly permissible to punch them?

Has anyone adopted a highway only to then learn that they were having their very own?

At what point was the word “Drunken” removed from the phrase “Fighting Irish”?

If a Class-5 hurricane were named “Mortimer” would anyone evacuate?

Is “prone to procrastination” a typical job performance review for a bomb squad member?

If you describe your dog as being “argumentative,” have you revealed too much?

Has any Mafia member turned to his cronies and said, “Wow, that Maggie Smith. What an actress!”

Has anyone ever told an ethnic joke and inadvertently insulted a nearby ghost?

Just how tempting was it for the creators of “Woody Woodpecker” to give him a friend named “Gary Gamecock”?