How to Contend with a Bothersome Coworker

Next time you wish to rid yourself of an irksome coworker who just doesn’t know when to stop talking, leave your office or even pause for a response or air, try the following wholly unproven techniques.

Avoid eye contact. Whenever the individual enters your office cover your eyes with both hands, count to ten and then open, muttering "Oh shit" if you can still see them. Repeat until they have left your workspace.

Be a less than hospitable host. Should they enter your office for one of their long chats, decline them use of the empty guest chair, stating "Sometimes I like to pretend I’m interviewing a ghost." If they remark that they don’t mind standing, reply, "Ahem, can’t you see that I’m in the middle of an interview?"

Counter every statement. If they comment that it’s a nice day say, “You would think so, wouldn’t you?” If they ask to borrow your pen say, “Pen? I’m sorry, but I thought this was the 21st century.” If they scream to be rescued from a tenth-floor office building fire say, “Give a man a ladder and he’ll be safe for a day. But have that man learn to make his own ladder out of toilet paper tubes and Scotch tape…”

Offer noncommittal responses. Nothing will tell your coworker that you have no interest in their comments more than such detached replies as "Hmm," "Yeah," "Sure," "That so?" "So many emails to read," "Off to lunch," "Hey, Mom, it’s me. Just thought I’d call" and "Closing my door now."

Hug them, long and hard. Should the coworker go off on yet another nonsensical and seemingly never-ending monologue, grab them with both hands, quickly press them against your chest and whisper into their ear, “Never let go. Never ever let go.” Continue until their squirming turns into violent flailing.

Be prepared. The moment the unwelcome coworker enters your office, put on a mouth guard, start wrapping your hands in boxing tape and calmly state, “It’s go time.”

Imitate. Whenever the coworker starts to speak, say the exact same thing at the exact same time, whether they are asking you an idiotic question, giving a presentation, having dinner with their family, renewing their vows or simply screaming over and over again for you to “Stop it! Stop it! For the love of God just stop it!” as they press a loaded revolver against their own temple.

Carry a Super Soaker at all times. While the idea of walking around the office each and every day with a plastic bazooka strapped to your back all in the name of petty grievances may seem particularly excessive or downright psychotic, such concerns are instantly allayed once you realize that you can squirt upwards of ten full bottles of Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup at your target without having to stop for refill or remorse.

Find common interests. Immediately interrupt the coworker’s greeting by asking, “Have you found Jesus?” Then just as quickly answer, “Because I already did. This morning. In my cereal box. And just between you and me, I always thought that He would be taller.”

Leave your office. When the offending party enters your office walk out your door, stating you’re late for important meeting. Should the person follow, quicken your pace. Should they try to keep up, make a run for the stairs. Should they pursue you to the roof, jump to the next building. Continue until either they have given up or one of you is in free-fall.