Memoir of an Umbrella Holder to the Stars

Open, close. Open, close. Nine hours of such instruction. Guess an English degree really is for shit.


Tried to talk about book “Guns, Germs and Steel” with client. Wound up discussing “Brangelica” photo spread in latest issue of “W.”


Accidentally looked at P. Diddy while shading him. Bad time to learn I don’t get dental.


Told Mom that my script had been optioned by Paramax Studios. She’s gotta know no such studio exists.


Turns out Michael Pare doesn’t even own an umbrella. He just wanted to talk to someone. Learned a ton about the filming of “Streets of Fire.”


Thanks to great skill, determination and experience, I managed to keep a Chow Chow from getting any age spots.


Today would be a good day to throw myself in front of a truck.


Mom called to ask what’s the title of my “script.” Caught off guard I accidentally blurted out “Cinderella Man.” Mom said she saw it last week and really liked it. Even her denial can’t extend that far.


Held umbrella open through client’s sunroof for duration of six-hour drive. Doctor says nerve damage may be permanent.


Got dressed down by David Cassidy. I burst into tears, but not for any reason he thought.


Initially took job for possible film connections. Now fear I took job because dipping penis in hot wax wouldn’t be masochistic enough.


Mom called asking how much “Paramax Studios” was paying for my supposed script. I said we were still discussing “points.” She asked “What are points?” I answered “They’re good.” Clearly Mom knows I’m lying.


Bumped into old college girlfriend who now works in the industry. Asked me what I do. It’s been five days and I think she’s still laughing.


While waiting for client Mary Kate I glanced at her history paper. Apparently “The Mansons” helped frame the Constitution of the United States.


Sold manuscript “Memoir of an Umbrella Holder to the Stars” to Knopf for half a mil. Sold movie rights to Paramount for 2 mil. Somehow all that made me a feel a hell of a lot worse.