How to Make the Best Impression Possible on Everyone from the CEO to the Coffee Cart Guy—A Guide to Business Etiquette

Never convene a department meeting by saying, “Where my bitches at?”

Remember that in business there is no such thing as “a friendly pat on the head.”

Develop a comfortable handshake and keep it consistent. At no point take the opportunity to gently tickle the other person’s palm.

When attending a business dinner make certain to begin eating only after everyone has parked.

Happy people make a happy workplace, not the other way around. Save your sobbing for the commute home.

Adopt a can-do attitude. Don’t respond to a superior’s request with “Do the rest of your helper monkeys have MBAs?”

If you find yourself saying, “The Hooters really blew it with their second album” you have strayed too far from business conversation.

Do not use trendy words in office communication. Say “Great” instead of “Awesome,” “Yes” instead of “Yo” and “Feeling Good” instead of “Got the world swinging from my nuts.”

Never take personal calls, respond to emails from friends or use instant messaging to keep in contact with family. Instead, every so often wave from your office window in the hopes a loved one may be on the street at that very moment, looking up.

When dressing for “Casual Friday,” avoid any shirts that prominently communicate your hard-line stance on “fat chicks.”

If you're having problems at work, don’t express negative thoughts to coworkers for fear of creating a tense office environment. Instead, relieve tension by starting an argument at home.

Overcome any flaws that might set you back as a public speaker with dancers.

When maintaining eye contact with a fellow employee, avoid any gaze that may be best described as “penetrating,” “smoldering” or “bloodshot.”

Should your boss take you to task for missing a deadline, respond "I deserve this." Then proceed to whip yourself in his office using your own belt.

Office hallways are only for going to and returning from meetings, not for personal visits. Should nature call simply tell yourself, "Only six more hours to go, only six more hours to go…”

Avoid making personal attacks. Instead, couch your comments in helpful terms, such as “What can we do about your hairlip?”

Always keep in mind it’s called “marketing,” not “big pimpin’.”

If you find yourself running late for work, roll your car several times down a steep hill. After all, the only adequate excuse for tardiness is an exceptional excuse.

Eat all meals at your desk, including Thanksgiving dinner and Sunday brunch.

Remember, working late shows you can't manage your time correctly. However, leaving on time shows that you're not really committed to your job. Best to just stay at the office full-time, but change into pajamas and turn on the conference room TV around 9 PM.