"Sometimes, late at night when I’m alone, I like to pretend that I’m you so I can finally feel pretty."

"I don’t want to go into particulars right now but suffice it to say that I’ll be needing an airtight alibi on the night of the 14th. You cool?"

"Anybody mind if I unbuckle?"

"I don’t know what it is about orphans that makes me laugh."

"I have 12 cats, one named for each apostle."

"If I knew we were going to go to a pub after work I wouldn’t have had so much to drink at lunch."

"You were in my dream. And you. And so were you. And all three of you were on fire."

"I resent you using the word ‘harassment’ to describe what is so clearly devotion."

"It’s not that I don’t believe in God. It’s just that ever since you were made my boss I can’t believe He gives a rat’s ass."

"My AA sponsor is not going to be happy with this."

"Don’t you think it’s about time that the women in this office started kissing each other?"

"My dog said the craziest thing last night."

"I don’t know why my mother picked out this particular outfit for me this morning."

"I have so much pent-up love and absolutely nowhere to unleash it."

"Every morning I wake up and tell myself, ‘No. no. Don’t bring the rifle to work today.’"

"Mind if I follow you home?"

"Thank God this bar has peanuts or this would be the fourth night in a row I went without dinner."

"Maybe it’s the booze talking or you’re just a great ventriloquist."

"Nothing like a night out with coworkers to confirm my every opinion of you."

"If someone had told me when I was a kid that I would spend my entire adult life in marketing I never would have recuperated from Scarlet Fever."