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How
Not to Start a Wedding Toast
Francesco
Marciuliano
“I’d
like to start by saying that I ordered the pork tenderloins, not
the fish entrée. What the fuck is ‘scrod,’ anyway?”
“Boy, was that Catholic ceremony long or what? If that’s
how you people spend your time on earth no wonder why you’re
all so eager to get into heaven.”
“Ty marrying a woman. Seriously, who saw THAT one coming?”
“For as long as I can remember, Jenny has planned for the
perfect wedding. She chose the perfect venue. She selected the perfect
flowers. She even picked out the perfect attire. All she needed
was the perfect man. Then along came 40-Long Steve…”
“Every great romance begins with a great ‘first encounter’
story. But few such stories feature the word ‘perp’
or ‘undercover’…”
“In a way this wedding reminds me of ESPN’s ‘SportsCenter,’
if only because I’m missing that show right now.”
“Several, several years ago Lou once told me what he thought
his ‘ideal woman’ was. And today I’m here to say
that Sharon fits that image to a tee…minus the extra six tits.”
“A wedding is nothing more than an antiquated tradition created
to help ease the transfer of property from owner to owner. So here’s
to your fifth-story junior one-bedroom walk-up, suckas!”
“Before I began writing this toast Gerry asked that I keep
the obscene language and graphic sexual allusions to a minimum.
But no one, not even the groom, puts a leash on Big Dan!”
“As the father of the bride allow me to say that the open
bar is closed and the table arrangements are not for the taking.”
“Ever since Deana first showed me the outfit I would be wearing
as her Maid-of-Honor I have hated her like poison.”
“To quote Grand Funk Railroad…”
“When Terri first introduced me to Jim I was so taken with
his charms and good looks I quickly asked if he had a brother. Turns
out he did and he was single to boot! And so I proceeded to spend
the next three years with that cocksucking, bottom-feeding, chromosome-dangling…”
“Now with Scott and Maura out of the dating pool I think it’s
safe for all of us to wade back in again.”
“Seeing how utterly beautiful, how incredibly stunning Wendy
looks in her wedding dress makes me wish I was a woman.” |
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