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The
Twelve Corporate Labors of Hercules
To
atone for his crimes, Hercules, Son of Zeus, was assigned a series
of seemingly impossible tasks known as the "Twelve Labors,"
many of which involved the slaying or capturing of creatures now
rarely seen outside of a Ray Harryhausen movie. Had Hercules not
lived in the time of Greek Mythology at the foot of Mount Olympus
but rather today in a studio apartment he shared with someone
he met through Craigslist, no doubt the following excruciating
dozen labors would be set forth to tax both his stamina and soul.
One: Revamp Company Newsletter to Make It "Fun, a Must-Read"
Non-existent project budget makes four-color process, heavy
stock paper and proofreading charges cost prohibitive. Resulting
black & white newsletter printed on single sheet of resume
paper with headline "International Sales on the Rinse!"
fails to wow supervisor.
Two: Spearhead Department "United Way" Collection
Constant pleas for coworkers to make contributions ultimately
rewarded with such remarks as "Accounts Payable already takes
enough out of my salary as is," "Charity begins at home,"
"Why not bother the bosses? That’s where the real money
is" and "I don’t make donations to airlines."
Three:
Coo over Supervisor’s Baby
Thirty minutes of staff having to gather around manager’s
four-month son and all-too-gleefully comment on physical similarities
between child and parent, brightness of eyes, chubbiness of toes
and fingers and cuteness of GAP Baby outfit, concluding with manager
wondering why projects are now all a half-hour behind schedule.
Four: Bind 600 Presentations in Next Hour
Ennui battles carpal tunnel syndrome for prevalent form of distress
for first 54 minutes, only for both to be trumped by sheer,
unadulterated panic upon realizing near end of task that there
are now six copies left of every page except page 32, of which
there are 129.
Five: Listen to Coworker Espouse Virtues of New Car
Fellow employee’s extraordinarily detailed specs regarding
his automobile’s "250 hp V6 engine with spark ignition,"
"3.2 liter displacement," "236 lb/ft torque,"
"global positioning navigation system," "heated
front seats with individual temperature control" and "BOSE
7-speaker sound system" prove a rather odd response to
your initial and now regrettable question, "What’s
up?"
Six:
Make Small Talk with Company President on Elevator
After brief comments about incoming weather fronts, local sports
teams and elevator’s lack of speed, conversations dwindles
down to utter silence punctuated only be the "ding"
of passing floors, the clearing of throats and the CEO clearly
pretending to talk on cell phone.
Seven:
Eat Lunch in Pantry with "Crazy Girl"
What was originally conceived as a quite, reflective period involving
only a Thai chicken sandwich and own thoughts immediately devolves
into "Carnival of Lost Souls" as employee people have
been to known to willingly enter meeting just to avoid sits down
and spend next 45 minutes talking at an excruciatingly loud volume
about her lactose intolerance, her father’s suggestive remarks
to her when she was a teenager, her love all things green and
her belief that her first and only true love passed away because
she forgot to water it daily.
Eight:
Brainstorm Big Picture Ideas with Entire Staff
Search for enough chairs for everyone followed by search for large
easel notepad containing more than one sheet of paper followed
by search for three different color markers followed by search
for employees still searching for supplies followed by 23 people
eventually coming to full agreement that the meeting should be
moved to Conference Room A because it contains plenty of seating
and a fancy dry-erase board.
Nine:
Endure Conference Call with Satellite Offices
Fourteen people engage in six different conversations simultaneously,
resulting in inadvertent implementation of three new projects
sharing one budget, two senior staff members accidentally getting
fired and one person in California wondering if staff in New York
said, "Well done, "We’re done" or "Whore
down."
Ten:
Become Drunk Coworker’s Confidant at After-Work Gathering
Four hours of exceeding personal, exceptionally explicit and just
entirely repellent revelations, beginning with such phrases as
"Promise me you won’t tell anyone, " "You
and I are a lot alike" and "You’re one of the few
people I can trust in that viper pit of an office" and concluding
with such remarks as "Luckily I got away with it," "If
she found out I would kill myself" and "But what can
you expect from their kind anyway, huh?"
Eleven:
Reexamine Reason for Accepting Job in First Place
Careful, clear-eyed review of job leads to three inescapable conclusions:
1) Manager is completely indifferent to personal accomplishments
and unique talents; 2) Rationalization that the position will
"lead to bigger and better things" has yet to be proven;
and 3) Every question about the job that begins with "Why?"
can unfortunately only be answered with "Because creditors
don’t accept homemade gifts as payment."
Twelve:
Try to Leave Job with Dignity Intact, Career on Track and Valuable
Network of Business Associates Still in Place
Thanks to years of pent-up rage and disgust with inanities of
corporate life, polite farewells to former coworkers soon give
way to slightly veiled insults, then to barbed comments, then
to outright accusations then to every remark punctuated with flipping
of middle finger then to overturning of reception desk and running
down 40 flights of stairs screaming obscenities, death threats
and promises of impending lawsuits.
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