Francesco Marciuliano

• Purchasing a suit for an interview can be a rather exorbitant proposition, especially when you are between salaries. So take a cue from NASCAR drivers and help defray the cost by plastering countless sponsor logo patches on your blazer, pants, tie and shoes.
  
  
• Know the location of your interview. Allow ample time for traffic, the possibility of getting lost, and the chance you may get sidetracked by any sightings along the way, including hookers, off-track betting establishments, bars advertising "Noon $2 Coors Pitchers!" and two dogs "doing it."
  
  
• When it comes to an interview, your terminology is just as significant as your talents. So choose your words wisely. Don’t say "job" when you can say "career." Don’t say "hours" when you can say "commitment." And don’t say "vig," "consigliere" or "omerta" unless you are applying for a position in waste management.
  
  
• When greeting your interviewer, smile politely, shake hands firmly, always maintain eye contact and keep any mention of "Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ" to a bare minimum.
  
  
• An interview is your opportunity to express your thoughts on professional conduct, not expose any abhorrent opinions. In other words, comment, "I believe multitasking is not only a must in business but also a mandate." Don’t utter, "I find white chocolate a whole lot less threatening than dark chocolate, don’t you?"
  
  
• "You gotta be fuckin’ kidding me!" is no answer to the interview question "Would you be willing to work weekends?"
  
  
• Ask about timeframes for filling the position, how and when you will be notified and if your interviewer requires any additional information or materials from you. Do not ask about the "mami with the tasty casabas" at the reception desk.
  
  
• Prepare questions that reflect your research on both the company and position. That said, avoid any queries about the business that include the phrase "Frontline exposé," "mistrial" or "Aren’t you the cocksucker who wiped out your employees’ 401k?"
  
  
• When asked what is your greatest weakness do not reply, "Asian women."
  
  
• Should your interviewer ask if you are capable of performing a required and rather demanding aspect of the proposed job, answer "yes" or "no" and briefly explain why. Do not exclaim "Jawol, Herr Commandant!" and then spend the next ten minutes explaining what a cut-up you are around the office.
  
  
• Be ready to answer the three quintessential interview questions: "Why are you interested in this field?" "Why are you interested in this company?" and "Why are you interested in this position?" Should your initial answer to any of the above be "the cash," "because you called back" or "beats being a fluffer" then immediately postpone the appointment.
  
  
• Be prepared to answer any questions you would preferably not face, including those referring to your lack of related experience, your lack of leadership experience and your copious penitentiary experience.
  
  
• "What the hell did you do with the one I emailed you?!" is not a proper response to an interviewer’s request to see your resume.
  
  
• Always make sure to have a professional business card handy for personal contact information. After all, nothing is more awkward than having to scrawl the url to your Friendster or Match.com profile page instead.
  
  
• Send a thank-you note within 24-48 hours of your interview. Reiterate your interest in the job and emphasize your specific qualifications for the position. Refrain from forwarding any humorous link, messages about our "brave soldiers overseas," homilies about the how the innocence of some retarded kid illustrated the true wisdom and omniscience of God or any photos of a fat girl in a bikini, "Finding Nemo" sushi or that obnoxious five-year-old giving someone the finger.