Francesco Marciuliano

• "Dude, you’re 43 and STILL a junior copywriter?! That’s hilarious!"
  
  
• "I don’t know who you are but Cheryl says if I don’t sign this there’s going to be a lot of blank space."
  
  
• "As your supervisor I should let you know that this card cost $3.95. We’re simply not budgeted for that. Please see me at once."
  
  
• "There are like four Teds in this office. Which one are you? Hair lip? Fucked-up right ear? Too-short pants? Or the guy everyone was shocked to find out was married?"
  
  
• "Is the birthday cake going to be one of those Duncan Hines things or something good, like from Carvel? Let me know before 2."
  
  
• "Sorry about the blood. This card came at a real low point in my life."
  
  
• "May the Lord Almighty shine upon you His wisdom and lead you away from the damning pleasures of drink and dancing. Enjoy!"
  
  
• "Wow! The Big 3-0! We should really celebrate! Meet me at the vending machine at 12. My treat!"
  
  
• "My birthday card was twice this size and had a message from the Senior V.P."
  
  
• "Happy Birthday from All Your Coworkers on the 35th Floor. Please return card for re-use."
  
  
• "Mr. PuffFluff, Jingles, Billy Boy, Tiny, Snooky Wook and the rest of my cats wish you the very best B-Day ever!"
  
  
• "Ignore the scribbled out message above. First thought this card was for that cocksucker Lou."
  
  
• "It’s my birthday today, too. I hope somebody reads this message and stops by my cubicle to say ‘hi.’ Or just nod."
  
  
• "Don’t tell a soul but I’m pregnant. What are we going to do?!"
  
  
• "Can’t come up with anything to write. What say we brainstorm a few ideas in my office? Bring coffee."
  
  
• "From everybody in the mailroom, Merry Christmas!"
  
  
• "Wait, you’re three years younger than me and I report to you? Bitch."
  
  
• "Don’t party TOO hard! You know, because of your alcoholism and three priors."
  
  
• "Seriously, you still owe me $50 from the Super Bowl pool."