PARENTAL STANDARDIZED APTITUDE TEST

“Parentage is a very important profession but no test is ever imposed in the interest of the children.” — George Bernard Shaw

1. What should you tell a child after the death of a pet?

a. “Didn’t I say something like this would happen?”
b. “Let us commemorate this sad occasion with a burial at sea in the bathroom. But first take off his collar.”
c. “I guess Snookers is in heaven now, peeing on God’s rug, scratching his leather sofa and just asking to be put to sleep again.”

2. How do you best spin the fact that your child is none-too-bright?

a. “He just responds to a more creative, less didactic take on the alphabet.”
b. “Perhaps if she had the right teacher she would have known what can and can’t fly.”
c. “When I see the way he makes a sandwich, I just know he’s going to have a steady career.”

3. The advantage of twins is…

a. Having a spare in case one blows out.
b. Having both a control and experimental group to test out your theories on nature versus nurturing, love versus neglect and human parents versus wolf pack.
c. Fooling your neighbors into thinking you’ve mastered the science of teleporting children across the room.

4. Your child just broke your vase while playing in the house. What do you do?

a. Point at them and yell, “Spazz!”
b. Attach an undue amount of emotional and historical significance to the vase until the child wishes they had shattered on the hallway floor instead.
c. Walk toward the child’s bedroom, baseball bat in hand, saying, “Two can play at that game.”

5. What’s the best advice you can give your teenage son?

a. “Liquor to beer, never fear.”
b. “You don’t really have the body for a sundress.”
c. “God gave you a tongue for a reason, son.”

6. After inadvertently opening up all your child’s drawers, flipping over their mattress and cutting open their box spring you accidentally come across a Ziploc bag of Ecstasy tabs. What do you do?

a. Teach them a lesson by blowing through their entire stash during 18 consecutive viewings of “Liquid Sky.”
b. Empty the contents and replace it with a note reading, “Sorry, I ate the tabs—The Bag.”
c. Show them the lingering effects of E by replacing all their socks with animatronic versions.

7. How do you tell a child that they’re adopted?

a. In icing on a birthday cake.
b. After they bring home a bad report card.
c. The moment talk of college tuition comes up.

8. Your child’s been arrested for shoplifting. How should you respond?

a. Sit her down and have a frank dialogue about her need for personal expression, the process of “individuation” and your belief in the importance of communication without the fear of parental reproach, only to later realize your wallet is missing.
b. Suddenly realize that the DVD Recorder you’ve had your eye on may now be well within your price range.
c. Tell the authorities that jail time isn’t necessary—you own a Skinner box.

9. How should you introduce the topic of sex with your children?

a. Dub over their Wiggles tape.
b. Keep your bedroom door unlocked.
c. Let every occasion prompt a dirty joke.

10. Your child comes home emotionally devastated from an embarrassing incident at school. What do you do?

a. Toughen up your kid by saying, “Every time a child cries an angel drops dead.”
b. Politely ask your child why he must consistently bring shame to the family name.
c. Believing that things are never as bad as we fear, encourage your child to talk about the embarrassing incident at the dinner table, only for you to laugh so hard that broccoli comes out your nose.