Francesco
Marciuliano
"Mother always said Baby Jesus has a plan for every person
in Christendom. I believe His plan for me was that I become your
Assistant North Eastern Regional Manager of Sales Development,
New Media."
"A team
player. A natural leader. A big-picture visionary. A details-oriented
individual. A fine piece of ass. I’m all these and oh so
much more."
"I’ve
got skills. Mad skills."
"I despise
everything that your company represents. But I love your competitive
salaries and comprehensive benefits package. So clearly I’m
torn."
"I’m
not one for making threats. So please excuse the awkwardness of
this letter."
"In
the words of the Insane Clown Posse…"
"If
working for eight different employers in 14 months doesn’t
illustrate my versatility well, frankly, I don’t know what
else to say."
"Karl
Marx once stated, ‘From each according to his ability, to
each according to his needs.’ But apparently Mr. Marx never
worked for Foot Locker."
"I’ll
do anything for a Klondike bar. Anything."
"Please
note that this job request is contingent on tonight’s Mega
Lotto drawing."
"Working
for your company would be the twelfth best thing that could happen
to me."
"I never
thought it would come to this. Me, asking someone like you for
a job."
"When
I saw your ad in the classifieds I immediately thought, ‘Hey,
that looks like a good way to kill two or three years of my life.’"
"Clearly
if I had something other than deli wrapping paper to write this
on I would have used it so don’t even start."
"Ever
since I was a kid I longed for a career in medical supply sales.
Christ, what a freak of a nine-year-old I was."
"I know
you’re looking for a self-starter, but I beg you to reconsider."
"Do
you guys like to party?"
"As
I write my ninth cover letter to you in as many days, I can’t
help but wonder why haven’t you called. Are you ill?"
"I believe
I possess the essential job qualifications, experience and commitmentthat
you not only seek but also demand for this significant position.
I shit you not."
"Turn
around. Slowly."
