A
Look at Careers Around the World —or— How Would Superman's
Job Have Differed Had He Been Raised in Marseilles?
Francesco
Marciuliano
British
Superman
Drinking piss-warm stouts since 8 a.m. while waiting for the dole
office to open, British Superman impulsively decides to gather
a few of his equally snockered blokes in his Mini and drive everyone
over to Lex Luther’s headquarters. There the do-gooders head-but
the archvillain senseless only to turn their unfocused rage on
the general populace, setting fire to both half of London and
a Danish soccer team. Then it’s off to the Kylie Minogue
concert.
French
Superman
After attempts to collude with his archnemesis fail, French Superman
hightails it to the countryside, where he reads Rimbaud, tends to
his grapes, and cowers in complete safety for the next three years.
Only when the Paris police overwhelm Lex Luthor does our hero make
his triumphant return, shooting the villain in the back.
Italian
Superman
Rolling out of bed a little before 3 p.m., Italian Superman pinches
Lois Lane’s ass, downs an entire block of cheese and screams
at the cat. Afterwards he goes over to the café to hang with
his paisans from the Justice League, leer at American women, and
threaten to punch out the pepper grinder. Eventually he makes his
way to Lex Luthor’s hideout, where he stands in front of his
window and screams obscenities for over an hour before getting away
on his Vespa to go hit on foreign exchange students.
Chinese Superman
Sporting a symbol that features 37 Han characters just to spell
the "S" (resulting in a shirt two sizes too big but at
least manufactured locally), Chinese Superman speaks Cantonese,
making not only conflict but also conversation with his Mandarin-educated
nemesis Lex Luthor a trying ordeal. Bound by countless regulations
and cultural doctrines, he can neither help families with only daughters
nor come to the rescue of any Taiwanese, leaving him to watch helplessly
as Solomon Grundy constructs a new Legion of Doom headquarters in
what was once downtown Taipei.
Canadian
Superman
With his icy Fortress of Solitude only a block away from his apartment,
Canadian Superman easily finds the time to both play center for
his newspaper’s hockey team and aid the citizens of Toronto
(whether it’s to locate their house keys or jump start their
cars on freezing summer morns). His daily feats, however, are made
somewhat complicated by the government’s demand for a French
Canadian Superman, which often leads to a crime having to be thwarted
twice, much to the confusion of both culprit and victim. But on
weekends he relaxes by matching wits and quips with Lex Luther at
a comedy improv show the two co-host called "Canuck-Nyuk-Nyuks."
German
Superman
Europe falls to German Superman by noon. The newly renamed Ubermensch
enjoys complete power until one day he looks over at the vast Russian
landscape and asks himself "Why not?"
|
