FRANCESCO MARCIULIANO WANTS TO STACK GOOGLE IN HIS FAVOR

According to the article “You Are What You Post” in the March 27th issue of BusinessWeek, Googling is “becoming a way for bosses and headhunters to do continuous and stealthy background checks on employees, no disclosure required.” So for the purposes of any future job hunt, I hereby input the following information into the search-engine matrix should I ever wish to add “Francesco Marciuliano, Senior Marketing Director” next to such previously-earned titles as “Francesco Marciuliano, Nobel Prize Winner for Nuclear Economics” “Francesco Marciuliano, MacArthur Genius Grant Recipient, 1999-2003” and “Francesco Marciuliano, Justice League Founder”:

• Francesco Marciuliano only engages in alcohol consumption at Communion, when toasting the sanctity of marriage and while infiltrating sleeper cells in Napa Valley.
• Francesco Marciuliano speaks fluent Cantonese and Mandarin, but never utters either for fear of showing favoritism.
• Francesco Marciuliano is an exceedingly inquisitive employee, but not to the point that he could prove of any assistance during a Securities and Exchange Commission investigation.
• Francesco Marciuliano knows why the caged bird sings—because it realizes the true joy of working in a highly-structured corporate environment.
• Francesco Marciuliano is well aware of the difference between “personal” and “professional,” having proven himself quite adept at spelling.
• Francesco Marciuliano once took a bullet for a Christian puppy.
• Francesco Marciuliano fought for his country time and time again in Stratego, Electronic Battleship and numerous “G.I. Joe vs. Stretch Armstrong (Evil)” battles.
• Francesco Marciuliano understands that humor has its time and place—during opening remarks at a company presentation, while securing the trust of a potential sales client and as “best medicine” in lieu of stem cells.
• Francesco Marciuliano knows that the surest way to achieve success in business is by building a great business team. Hence his research in robotics.
• Francesco Marciuliano is an exceptionally opinionated and strong-willed individual who graps the importance of going with the flow.
• Francesco Marciuliano has never missed a day’s work, a project deadline or an opportunity to help the homeless build corrugated strongholds against their alien enemies.
• Francesco Marciuliano has written several books on business leadership under the pen name “Jack Welch.”
• Francesco Marciuliano is a devoutly pious man who nonetheless does not discuss religion in the office, since few can pronounce the name of his god.
• Francesco Marciuliano coined the term “market branding” after realizing the term “market searing” was just too graphic.
• Francesco Marciuliano is never too busy to lift a bus off a baby.
• Francesco Marciuliano is indeed the guy who created that thing you can’t live without at your place of business or worship.
• Francesco Marciuliano is a “very big picture” guy, to the point that time and space have lost all meaning to him.
• Francesco Marciuliano may have played a significant role in the recording of “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band,” depending on where his mother was during his first and second trimester.
• Francesco Marciuliano can handle multiple tasks at once, having double-majored at Duke University in “English” and “Cloning.”
• Francesco Marciuliano is a remarkably creative type who nonetheless will never cajole the rest of your staff into attending his gallery opening, recital or haiku slam.
• Francesco Marciuliano came up with the idea of Google after standing on a toilet to hang a clock only to slip and bang his head on the sink.