How Not to Start a Eulogy

“I lost more than just a bet today…”

“Is it me or does she look even hotter dead than when she was alive?”

“In a way I blame myself. But not to the extent the authorities do.”

“This is kind of ironic, considering that Shannon was always the life of the party.”

“We all knew this day would come. In fact, we had several months to prepare for it, ever since Ted broke the news that he bought a pet bear.”

“Let this be a lesson to all you kids. A gun is not a sex toy.”

“’Better him than me’ may sound like a callous remark, but hear me out…”

“I don’t believe this. She’s wearing the same dress as me.”

“Maura’s death came as a complete surprise, especially after all those expensive pilot lessons she took.”

“We all know there’s nothing funny about suicide. But darn it if Pepito the Clown didn’t try to prove us wrong.”

“I loved him like a brother. But I fucked him like an uncle.”

“At least Ben died doing what he loved most—getting into tense standoffs with police.”

“I believe God has a purpose for almost everyone on earth. And for those he doesn’t, he simply takes them back. Like Phil here…”

“Man, doesn’t anyone know how to perform autoerotic asphyxiation properly?"

“Jen is survived by several outstanding debts. Who will be attending to those?”

“I don’t look at this as an end but rather a beginning, both for me and whichever new Mommy our children will have.”

“Doesn’t Steve look just like himself? After all, he always did wear too much foundation.”

“Why? Why do the good always die young, but a cocksucker like Morty makes it to 93?”

“I don’t wish to speak ill of the dead. So instead I direct the following remarks to Sid’s wife and kids…”

“If anyone else tries to contact Shelly through a Ouiji board, let me know if she spells something other than ‘prick.’”