To really succeed in business you have to know more than just what’s happening around the world. You have to know what will happen. You have to stay one step ahead of the news, two steps ahead of the trends and three steps ahead of the SEC. To that end we give you the following glimpse into upcoming front-page news, courtesy of tarot cards, Magic 8-balls and the collected wisdom of Bazooka Joe comics horoscopes.

North Korean Starbucks Continue to Make Limited-Time "Hazelicious" Coffee
"The deadline for that brief product roll-out has long passed," state concerned corporate officials

Scientists Believe Children Are Not the Future
New findings indicate future lies in nanotechnology

New GM Hybrid Car Fails to Find Market
Public not ready for half SUV-half man mobiles

CNN, Fox News Exchange Heated Words, Gunfire
Battle of cable news networks tops cable news coverage.

Dog Has No Idea He’s Best in Show
Terrier stares vacantly into space as owner celebrates

Cloned Babies Lack Freshness, Novelty of Original
Critics lambaste retread plot, predictable outcome

"Word-of-the-Day" Misused
"Good? This ice cream is supercilious," says idiot

Army-Navy Rivalry Continues off Football Field
Body count in the thousands

Aides Say Bush Won't Stop Quoting "The Big Lebowski"
Ashcroft: "If he says ‘Careful man, there’s a beverage here’ one more time I’m going to pop him."

Blind, Paraplegic Comedian's Routine Seen Coming from a Mile Away
Audience: "Yeah, we get it. You can’t walk into the walls that you can’t see."

Reality Shows Lose Out To Simply Drilling Peepholes in Public Restrooms
"It’s like you’re really there!" exclaim fans

American Students Unable to Locate Earth on Globe
Teacher: "No, that’s a pencil."

Bush Proclaims War on Narnia, Oz, Hogwarts
Powell: "Apparently someone got himself a library card."

Local Battle of the Bands Features 34 Groups Named "The Apprentice"
Only one band named "Haitian Revolt"

Extraterrestrial Beings Tired of Beaming Up Halfwits
Aliens to target academic communities, art house theaters

HDTV Only Reason to Visit Friend
Host’s suggestions to go to bar, go to dinner ignored

Frank Sex Talk with Parents Reveals Disturbing Fetishes
Dirty nicknames, use of mayo scar once inquisitive 12-year-old son

U.S. Debt Reduction Plan Based Entirely on Selling off Vintage Star Wars Action Figures
"This original Sand People figure alone could score us $150 easy," says Bush

Prosecutor’s "He Who Denied It Supplied It" Move Cripples 8-Year-Old’s Legal Defense
Judge overrules defendant’s "But he who smelt it dealt it" retort

Kucinich Wins Support of Immediate Family
Cousins leaning toward Kerry

Ghost of Stoner Won’t Stop Giggling
Keeps playing Phish albums, eating homeowners’ Cheetos

Man Fears Ex-Girlfriend Tipped off Penis Enlargement Spammers
"Somebody must have told someone something," says target of email campaign

Amazon.com Customer Plans to Compile Posted DVD Reviews for Book
Gives proposed manuscript five-star rating

Rock Group "Foreigner" Deported
"Your next, ‘Asia’," says Rumsfeld

Anna Nicole Smith Yet Again Embarrasses Self, Family, Country
Americans find themselves once more avoiding eye contact, refusing to return phone calls and more or less staying indoors, trying to find the strength within to go on