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A
Tough Love Memo to “Saturday Night Live”
They say that
comedy equals tragedy plus time. By that logic, the current season
of “Saturday Night Live” should seem downright hilarious
in about ten years. To help bring the humor back to the here and
now, Drink at Work.com humbly offers the cast and crew of “SNL”
the following advice.
- Make “Weekend
Update” worth watching again. Add weather forecasts.
- Know when
you are beat—leave the political humor to “The Daily
Show,” leave the television parodies to “Sesame Street.”
- Play up
“live” aspect of the show by periodically releasing
cougars onstage.
- Avoid guest
hosts that don’t know their ass from their elbow—like
Paris Hilton—as well as guest hosts who became famous because
someone shoved their elbow up their ass—like Paris Hilton.
- Before
readying a skit for air ask yourself, “Can we shave 42 minutes
off its running time?”
- Target
viewers at least old enough to remember the first season of Spongebob.
- Just because
a cast member can impersonate Ashton Kutcher doesn’t mean
the “12 to 12:30” block is covered.
- Only “My
Dinner with Andre” should feature so many restaurant scenes.
- Ensure
better performances by having Jamie Farr and Jaye P. Morgan “gong”
lesser cast members.
- Put a parental
block on “E! Entertainment Network” in the Writers’
Room.
- If the
guest host has the title “Sir” or “Dame,”
do not have them rap.
- The cast
features several attractive women, yet “female prison riot”
skits are still few and far between. Rectify that.
- Seek out
a better roster of musical acts. Have Lorne Michaels offer a $3,00o
certified check to reunite The Monkees.
- Even though
words like “hula” and “rat” sound funny
together that doesn’t mean they merit a recurring character.
- Guest host
Russell Crowe. Infuriating cast members. Open bar in green room.
Think about it.
- “The
comic stylings of Fred Armisen” should be a red flag, not
a benchmark.
- Take a
cue from boxing matches—detract from cast’s obvious
cue card reading by having bikini models hold up cards for all
to see.
- Not every
catchphrase merits an entire skit. “More cowbell”
did. “More TV Funhouse” does not.
- Encourage
exciting new comedic voices by instituting an internship program
for writers over 40.
- Although
teenagers make up a significant portion of your audience, you
don’t have to air every skit they instant message you.
- Buck Henry,
Steve Martin, Tom Hanks and Christopher Walken deserve far better
than to hear the phrase “fellow five-time guest host Jessica
Simpson.”
- Comedy
is subjective. But everybody likes James Garner. Use your last
half-hour to rebroadcast highlights from “The Rockford Files.”
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