Pioneered:
"Pioneered the use of Scotch-brand adhesive tape
to fashion a colossal ‘spider web’ over the
entrance to my cubicle, allowing me to cackle with delight
whenever it ensnared an unsuspecting coworker, a visiting
client or any number of wriggling offspring during ‘Take
Your Child to Work Day.’"
Negotiated:
"Negotiated a truce between warring mailroom
and janitorial factions in a months-long feud that
started, in part, because I thought it would be funny
to watch them fight, only to lose many, many cherished
coworkers in the ensuing battles."
Demonstrated:
"Demonstrated long and loud for management to
start stocking vending machines with Sweet Tarts rather
than the inferior tasting knock-off Spree, eventually
chaining myself to the office pantry door in protest
only to realize I had not taken the added precaution
of actually locking said door, thus permitting coworkers
to enter the pantry as they pleased, eat their lunches,
drink their coffee and even purchase delicious candy
while I watched helplessly, starving first for attention,
then maybe a pizza crust and finally for the stray
beads of sweat that would occasionally slide into
my mouth."
Influenced:
"Influenced by some religious pamphlets I came
across at a liquor store during a particularly low
period in my life when I had come to mistake raspberry-infused
vodka for love, I insisted we commence each meeting
with a prayer, followed by a moment of silence and
then conclude with the interdepartmental shaming of
sinners, fornicators and Unitarians."
Summarized:
"Summarized for coworkers the plots to the previous
day’s episodes of ‘The Apprentice,’
‘Survivor,’ ‘America’s Top Model,’
‘The Bachelor,’ ‘The Bachelorette’
and ‘Extreme Makeover’ as well as any number
of Spanish soap operas, amusing commercials and 24-hour
news crawls."
Customized:
"Customized Styrofoam coffee cups by name
for each one of our 1100 employees using only a Sharpie
and an office directory—every single day—until
I snapped and started screaming at coworkers for the
love of god to please start reusing their cups for
fear I would go blind or forever lose use of my right
hand. Only after several weeks did an accidental perusal
of my assigned office duties indicate that such a
task in no way fell under my or anyone known person’s
job responsibilities."
Evaluated:
"Evaluated the odds of my having sex with every
coworker who walked by my office door, only to come
to the rather sobering conclusion that unless I start
offering cash incentives on my Friendster profile,
I’ll have to join the priesthood to get some."
Supervised:
"Supervised by a team of physicians shortly after
an accident during a company’s ‘fun run’
in which the corporation neither bothered to submit
a permit to close off a section of a well-traveled
interstate for the event nor even determine that a
marathon is only 26.4 miles long, I nonetheless continued
to show up for work until my addiction to Percodan
was so staggering that I had to down two whole bottles
just to recover from opening a previous bottle."
Collaborated:
"Collaborated with several hundred volunteers
to make the world’s largest western omelet that—due
to mismanagement, poor portion control and the dietary
requirements on many participants—instead wound
up being the world’s 18th largest egg-white frittata."
Managed:
"Managed to find a meal between lunch and dinner,
effectively keeping me out of the office from noon
to nine the following morning, barring brunch."
Led:
"Led once more by my crippling need to be liked,
I gladly assumed complete responsibility for three
huge assignments—one from a company that didn’t
even employ me—which ended with both my dismissal
due to overwhelming managerial incompetence as well
as the total collapse of the info tech industry in
early 2000."
Analyzed:
"Analyzed by the only still licensed practitioner
of phrenology and physiognomy, my head and face were
determined to have the contours of either a natural
born leader or a partially eroded quartz rock."
Strengthened:
"Strengthened by the belief that my mom was right
and I am special, I took to ignoring all company ascribed
goals and department deadlines, instead creating a
competing business within the corporation using sofa
cushions to build an office in their lobby, a walkie-talkie
for sales calls and a mini-fridge stocked with Lunchables
and Capri Sun juice bags should we have to entertain
clients."
Motivated:
"Motivated by naked greed and the desire to impress
chicks, I knowingly and willingly sold shares to a
company that folded shortly after the advent of the
McCormack reaper."
Resolved:
"Resolved not to waste another day of my life
trapped within the walls of a stultifying, soul-crushing
corporate prison until I learned Microsoft was soon
to release Xbox 2 at the startling retail price of
$799. Will work until said amount is achieved or simply
given as a charitable write-off."
