How Fans Can Cope with the End
of First-Run “Star Trek” Episodes

• Enter into suicide pact with coworkers from Radio Shack.
  
  
• Realize your Klingon-theme wedding will now take on even greater poignancy.
  
  
• Wonder if this is just the sort of intense pain and sense of loss your grandfather felt when his legs were blown off in Normandy.
  
  
• Take this as a sign to finally grow up and become pathologically obsessed with a professional sports team instead.
  
  
• Hold a candlelight vigil outside of Jonathan Frakes’ studio apartment.
  
  
• Weep for future generations that may never know the singular joy that is “Star Trek” hardcore porn online fan fiction.
  
  
• Recommit yourself to finding a great career, finding a significant other or finding that 1996 “Teddy Bearwulf” doll to finally complete your medieval Beanie Babies collection.
  
  
• Stare in unblinking disbelief at what The New York Times chose to run as a banner headline on their front page instead of “The End of ‘Star Trek.’”
  
  
• Go on hunger strike until either the Sci-Fi Channel picks up “Star Trek: Enterprise” or you discover you weren’t out of raman noodles after all.
  
  
• Wonder if 48 is too old to start being interested in girls or too young to start being interested in canasta.
  
  
• Consider reconverting your Enterprise Control Deck back into your parents’ garage.
  
  
• Publish a devastating social critique on a world without “Star Trek” in your “Captain’s Blog.”
  
  
• Conclude that if Bush can’t use his powers to rectify the situation then why does the United States even have a theocracy in the first place?
  
  
• Drown your sorrows with a Nestle’s Quik bender.
  
  
• Put your “Star Trek” cadet uniform into storage. Take your “Battlestar Galactica” Viper pilot uniform out of storage.
  
  
• Redirect you passions into becoming the best damn Warhammer figurine painter ever!
  
  
• Buy a full-page ad calling for the renewal of “Star Trek: Enterprise” with money you were saving for eventual full-page ad calling for the renewal of “The Venture Brothers.”
  
  
• Face the painful truth that your fixation on “Star Trek” was just an excuse to avoid real world responsibilities, personal accountability and the oft-harsh rigors of maturity, all of which can be easily eschewed by simply camping out now for the opening day of “Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith.”
  
  
• Go back to arguing whether or not The Hulk uses Creatine.
  
  
• Build a memorial to “Star Trek” founder Gene Roddenberry, using cost-effective Mega Bloks rather than Lego bricks.
  
  
• Please keep in mid—sitting shiva for a departed series is idiotic at best, patently offensive at worst.
  
  
• Understand that tears won’t bring back the series, just like they didn’t bring back that pet frog you tried to make “bionic” back in the third grade.
  
  
• Take delight in knowing that without “Star Trek: Enterprise,” UPN’s highest-rated program is now the Roomba ad.
  
  
• Seek revenge using everything you learned from that continuing ed course in Wicca.
  
  
• Remember that “Star Trek” will always live inside you, once you and your buddies perfect video nanotechnology.