A DAY IN THE LIFE OF DICK CHENEY, LONE WOLF

“The past three days have underscored, in public, what has always been clear in the Bush White House: Dick Cheney plays by rules of his own making.”—The New York Times, February 15, 2005

8:15 A.M.: Cheney urinates in corner of West Wing hallway. When later asked why he did not simply use the bathroom two doors down or at least wait until the tour group had passed out of sight, Cheney mutters, “It’s a private matter.”

8:45 A.M.: Fearing security leaks, Cheney is inspired by a Sigur Ros album to begin communicating with his staff in a language of his own design. Vice-President grows increasingly incensed when no one follows through on his command to “Byorfumnar skallipt.”

9: 30 A.M.: During meeting in situation room Cheney is asked how he would deal with Hamas’ landslide victory in Palestinian parliamentary election. He replies, “Oh, you’ll see.”

10:05 A.M.: Scott McClellen learns through reporters’ questions that Cheney has assembled his own alternate Cabinet, with each member possessing a special skill like “super speed” or “ability to shape air.”

10:45 A.M.: Overhearing that laughter is infectious, Cheney illegally appropriates $14 billion from the Defense budget for the research and development of a “killer humor contagion.”

11:05 A.M.: Cheney opens official ceremony by singing his own version of “The Star-Spangled Banner,” featuring many lines cribbed from Mickey Spillane novels.

11:50 A.M.: Vice President takes to screaming “Cheney smash!” to quell dissent or prevent tahini from being served in Capitol cafeteria..

12:30 P.M.: Cheney films commercial for Japanese Mai-Time Morning Liqueurs (“Breakfast time is Mai-Time”) without the approval or prior knowledge of the President. Later the small alcohol concern is awarded a lucrative contract to manufacture body armor for U.S. soldiers.

1:12 P.M.: Cheney relies on his own instincts and perception of what is right for the nation to cold-cock a nun.

1:40 P.M.: Clearly enjoying the freedom that can only from being a politician not seeking re-election, Cheney teaches his office monkey how to load and fire a Luger.

2:20 P.M.: President realizes in mid-flight to political rally that Cheney is actually riding Air Force One and he is instead in Delta coach.

3:08 P.M.: Cheney single-handedly decides that Richmond is now the capital of California.

3:36 P.M.: Cheney starts paying staff in “Cheney-o’s,” redeemable only at participating Dick Cheney Retail Stores. When staff questions why the change, Cheney slashes everybody’s salary by half.

4:00 P.M.: President and Vice President have a falling out when Cheney refuses to tell Bush what he meant by “The birds will never know what hit them.”

4:27 P.M.: National security uncovers that Cheney’s last three Google searches were “succession,” “fiefdom” and “monkey army.”

4:55 P.M.: Weapons inspectors demand to search Cheney’s quarters for nuclear explosives. Vice President quickly thwarts investigation by placing an Aero chair in front of his coat closet.

5:48 P.M.: Cheney avoids capture by blasting off in his escape pod, eventually landing somewhere north of Charleston. Using survival skills honed back when he killed those two kids in Boy Scout camp, the Vice President goes underground.

6:15 P.M.: Accessing his own rogue satellite from a remote location, Cheney takes to the airwaves, demanding full control of the executive branch and military for reasons he feels he need not explain to the likes of American citizens. The FBI traces the signal to Maine. The CIA traces the signal to Turkey. The President decides to split the difference. Despite an exhaustive search, Cheney is not found in the Azores.

7:09 P.M.: Cheney is captured on video at a BP quick shop, demanding free gas and donuts because he is the Vice President of the United States and the cashier does not know the true value of Cheney-o’s. Federal investigators learn of the footage nine hours later when one of the agents receives an email link to the video on You Tube.

5:40 A.M.: Cheney is brought in for questioning. Reporters from around the world swarm the White House while American news channels focus their attention on the search for a white girl who’s been missing for ten minutes (and is later found in her parents living room, watching “Project Runway”).

8:00 A.M.: Scott McClellan goes live on air to announce that the fault for the whole sordid tale rests on the shoulders of an entry-level waiter on Cheney’s staff. Said waiter is immediately charged with treason and removed to a secret location where he can be studied by “top men.” Cheney resumes position.

8:15 A.M.: Cheney has office monkey dissolve Senate.