Drink at Work.com’s XXXIX Tips to Celebrating Super Bowl Sunday in Style

• Don’t commence drinking at the start of the pre-game show. Otherwise, you’ll die of alcohol poisoning a good two days before kickoff.
  
  
• Despite all your hours of practicing, all those expensive dance lessons, none of the partygoers will be impressed by your flawless performance of “The Super Bowl Shuffle.”
  
  
• Unless watching the game alone, refrain from copying the information number for Cialis off the screen.
  
  
• Should the game prove to be boring or a blow-out, keep the party going with a quilting bee.
  
  
• Shouting “Some of us are trying to read here!” will only alienate you from your fellow bar patrons.
  
  
• Make the game even more interesting by betting on exactly when in Beyonce’s rendition of the National Anthem Jay-Z will “break it down.”
  
  
• Telling guests at great length your home’s “Proper Rules for Party Conduct” will only result in what police typically refer to as “spite damage.”
  
  
• Use the large gathering to help defray costs and celebrate two events concurrently, such as “Go Pats!/We Miss You, Miriam.”
  
  
• See how many times you can quip “I didn’t know buffaloes had wings” before someone goes for your throat.
  
  
• Rather then watch the halftime show, gather your guests in a circle and have each one say which biblical character they would most like to invite for tea.
  
  
• Save all questions like “Who are the guys in green?” for Google.
  
  
• Remember, there is only a two-second difference between “celebratory hug” and “stay the night.”
  
  
• If you cannot afford HDTV, screw with the set’s color and tint controls until everything is red and blue. Then put on 3-D glasses.
  
  
• “I’m gonna drink until my heart’s pumping Cuervo Gold” should be an idle boast at best.
  
  
• Feel a part of the game by saying the same thing at the same time as the announcers for the length of the broadcast.
  
  
• If you are in charge of festivities, try to be generous with the food. After all, one personal pan pizza and a six-pack of Pabst is not a Super Bowl party. It’s a last meal in Lubbock, Texas.
  
  
• Bring a towel to snap at fellow guests to help keep the mood light and fun.
  
  
• Should you be invited to a Super Bowl party but have no interest in professional football, subtly try to steer the evening’s conversation toward the latest Harper’s Index.
  
  
• If you are even mildly turned on by the Bud Bowl cheerleaders, it’s time to go home.
  
  
• Telling the television set “This isn’t over” after your team loses will more than likely unnerve your fellow viewers.
  
  
• Note that on any other day subsisting entirely on nachos supreme, chicken strips and Natural Light would be a drastic cry for help.
  
  
• Avoid cursing in front of any children by redirecting your anger into random punching.
  
  
• Try to guess if the theme of the halftime show will be called “A Celebration of Freedom,” “Hooray Liberty!” or “9/11, 9/11, 9/11.”
  
  
• Screaming “Don’t look at me!!!” is not going to make your crying over a sappy television commercial any less awkward.
  
  
• Understand that no amount of laudatory comments, no number of sun-drenched footage, is going to make the Super Bowl host city of Jacksonville, Florida look in the least bit habitable.
  
  
• Assign the role of “designated driver” to whoever brings the cheapest beer.
  
  
• “Wanna take this outside?!?” is no way to resolve a disagreement over a Pepsi ad.
  
  
• When painting your entire body in your team’s colors, remember this handy phrase—“Lead equals dead.”
  
  
• Understand that announcer comments like “This is America at its finest!” is yet another reason why the rest of the world hates us.
  
  
• Use the occasion to catch up with old friends’ current salaries. Measure your self-worth accordingly.
  
  
• Wonder how many viewers see the title “XXXIX” and think they are about to watch some primo porn.
  
  
• Realize that at least according to Lays Potato Chips, MC Hammer is, in fact, not dead.
  
  
• Blame the refs for everything from team favoritism to your nail gun accident.
  
  
• Abstain from saying things like “The girls on ‘The View’ will have a field day with this!” out loud.
  
  
• Know that as of this writing, no one has ever been able to appeal to a bookie’s “forgiving side.”
  
  
• Ask everyone if you were hallucinating or did you actually just see a 30-second spot for “The Dukes of Hazard: The Movie.”
  
  
• “Now what did we all learn from this?” is no way to wrap up a Super Bowl party.
  
  
• Find out once and for all whatever happen to William “The Refrigerator” Perry by visiting your local Jiffy Lube.
  
  
• If your team is more than three touchdowns behind by the fourth quarter, switch the channel to “Desperate Housewives” and tell everyone to “Get the fuck out.”