FAILED FAST FOOD PRODUCT LAUNCHES

1972: McDonalds appeals to growing support for the ERA by introducing the "Womanwich," featuring the inexcusable tagline "Equality meat that's easy on the eyes."

1974: The "Patty Hearst Melt" effectively knocks Arby's off the top fast-food tier for the next 30 years.

1976: Jack in the Box rides Bicentennial fever with their "Old Glory Menu," featuring discontinued or discarded food items at great savings.

1979: Taco Bell wildly overestimates the American public's interest in the Sino-Vietnamese War, ceasing its "Run to the Border War" campaign after a single week.

1981: Long John Silver's honors the newlywed Prince and Princess of Wales with a British favourite—“Cold Beans on a Dead Mouse"—that fails to entice American consumers.

1984: Carl's Jr. sends mix signals when it tries to raise famine relief funds for Ethiopia by sponsoring U.S. eating contests.

1986: Pizza Hut celebrates the 100th anniversary of the Statue of Liberty by introducing a pizza pie for every ethnic group in America currently residing in North Dakota.

1988: Popeye’s tries to differentiate itself from competitor Kentucky Fried Chicken and capture the political zeitgeist by calling itself the “Contra-ry Chicken.” Most customers are baffled. A few are livid.

1991: A hedgehog spokescharacter results in a costly copyright battle for hamburger chain Sonic.

1993: White Castle tries to emulate the increasingly popular rap lingo by changing their slogan to “Buy ‘Em by the Sac!” The company files for bankruptcy twice in four months.

1995: Subway commemorates the discovery of 51 Pegasus b, the very first confirmed extrasolar planet, with a special sandwich only six people could give a fuck about.

1997: In the midst of corporate merger fever, Johnny Rockets almost unites with Lockheed Martin for reasons that looked good solely on paper. The launch of the resulting hamburger—“The Smoke House Trident IV”—is delayed indefinitely.

1999: Hardee's capitalizes on the dotcom boom with their "Cyberspace Cheeseburger," a meal speculators drive up to $376 a bite only for it to ultimately sell at 12 cents a dozen by 2001.

2000: Burger King unveils "The Sopranos" tie-in meal "The Big Whop" to much public condemnation.

2002: Del Taco is inspired by the rapid surge in American patriotism to unveil both a value meal and advertising campaign that vehemently condemns the franchise’s own ethnic name.

2005: Kentucky Fried Chicken forgoes any product launch and simply tries to bring in the younger generation by changing its brand from “KFC” to “LOL,” then “ROFL,” then “WTF” and finally “WUCIWUGIYKWIM.”