Fun Indoor Activities Now That the Exceedingly Cold Weather Will No Doubt Keep You Housebound for the Next 50 Fucking Years

• Discover for yourself the fine line between “functioning alcoholic” and “engaging in fistfight with own stove.”
  
  
• Dress all in black. Don ski mask. Crouch behind sofa. Giggle in anticipation.
  
  
• Make a sock puppet. Place sock puppet on hand. Repeatedly punch hand into wall. Determine lingering effects on sock puppet’s speech pattern.
  
  
• Bake several gingerbread men. Give each a mission and a Luger.
  
  
• Dial every prime phone number in White Pages.
  
  
• Fashion scaled down Vera Wang-like wedding couture for your cats using dishtowels for trains and cheesecloth for veils.
  
  
• Wonder why houseplants never wear cravats. Rectify that.
  
  
• Come up with a fascinating back story and devious motive for each and every one of your spoons.
  
  
• Cover yourself in pillows. Play “Human Pinball.”
  
  
• Cover yourself in saltines. Play “Cracker Man.”
  
  
• Go to Google. Type in “porn + power tools.” Sit back and marvel at the ingenuity of your fellow man.
  
  
• Hold a Hawaiian luau by killing and burying a succulent pig in your living room.
  
  
• Write down a snappy comeback for every possible situation imaginable.
  
  
• Devise own “taste test” lab to discover once and for all which condiment works best on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
  
  
• Revitalize entire wardrobe for spring using only a hot glue gun and ice cream sprinkles.
  
  
• See how long you can walk around your house wearing a colander on your head, oven mitts on your hands and soup ladles strapped to your feet before becoming convinced you’re your own kitchen.
  
  
• Start cap gun fight with the cops parked right outside your apartment window.
  
  
• Pit M&M’s and Skittles against each other in battle to the death. Winner takes on Reese’s Pieces.
  
  
• Perfect monkey impersonation by not shaving and attaching extension cord to ass.
  
  
• Play Scrabble using Jody Foster’s language from “Nell.”
  
  
• Pretend you’re in prison. Try to escape by hiding in your own laundry basket.
  
  
• Edit messages on Valentine candy hearts with a red pen and eye for clarity.
  
  
• Start dance craze by continuously performing in front of window for all to see.
  
  
• Reopen old Hot Wheels Auto Mechanic Playset. Patiently wait for customers.