Business is not made up of products or profits. It’s made up of people. People that in any other situation you would have absolutely nothing to do with whatsoever. Some coworkers you may come to truly like. Others you may learn to truly loathe. And a few you may quietly envision getting hit by a bus…full of explosives…and acid…at the very moment they're cheerfully waving to their families.

Sure, time will tell who will be your longtime lunch mates and who will be your Lex Luthors. But why wait? We live in an accelerated business world where everything keeps moving except the economy and employment figures. So rather than learn from costly mistakes and poor insight, let Drink at Work.com provide you with an instant field guide report on your coworkers, complete with commentaries indicative of their particular species. That way, the next time one of your associates opens up their mouth, you can peer right down into their soul…and probably recoil in horror from what you glimpse.

The Arch-Conservative Salesperson
Opinionated. Defensive. Easily riled by CNN.com reports

"I'm the least recist person you'll ever meet. I grew up in a multicultural neighborhood. I had plenty of black and Jewish friends. That’s why I can talk at length about how those people really are."

"What kind of world do we live in where they won’t teach creationism in science class but they will teach the Koran in a Muslim Studies course?"

"How come when a liberal voices their opinion it’s called ‘freedom of speech.’ But when I try to make my beliefs known I get thrown out of Shoney’s for creating a disturbance?"

The Grief Counselor in the Next Cubicle
Very sympathetic. Very concerned. Very interested in getting the dirt.

"I couldn’t make out that last thing he said to you. Was it mean? Cruel? About your last presentation? The one that cost us the whisky account? Trust me, you’ll feel better talking about it."

"You know, people are talking. But maybe if you tell me what happened then I can tell them and they can know both sides of the story. After all, why suffer in silence?"

"Well, I wouldn’t put up with that. You’re just not getting paid enough. A little over 40K, right?"

The Cult Member
Religiously follows every edict. Has no faith in others.

"Maybe we should check with the supervisor first."

"Maybe we should check with tech services first."

"Maybe we should check with janitorial first."

The Starmaker in Management
Looking out for your career. Watching out for their ass.

"I was once a lot like you. Now I’m a lot like me. It’s my job to make sure you see the difference."

The Corporate Representative in Your Department
The voice of your company. The ears for your supervisor.

"Don’t stop talking on my account. I just came to get some coffee…again…"

"But to be honest, we’re working for them. They’re not working for us."

"You can’t take it personally. At the end of the day a business is not about the individual. It’s about the team. And every team needs a leader. And sometimes that leader has to know when certain individuals aren’t doing all they can. That’s why I gave them your name."

The Patronizing Fuck
Slaps you on the back. Smacks you in the face.

"That’s really good for a first draft!"

"Considering your background you’ve done quite well here!"

"I’m just really, really surprised."

The Short-Timer between "Art Projects"
Rages against the machine…mostly the copier.

"I couldn’t work here nine-to-five every day. Just wasted time. I have too much of my own work to do. Besides, I’m not used to getting up before noon."

"How can you let a company tell you what you can and can’t wear? Or when to show up? You know, there are laws against that. I’m not sure which ones they are. I’m no attorney. But I am an American and I know my rights."

"Oh man, I don’t know how you people can stand working in this environment. If I had to come in every day I would just tell everyone off. Really hold up a mirror so they can see who they truly are. Then there’d be some changes. But my week here is almost up."

The Semi-Retiree Down the Hall
Bidding their time. Wasting yours.

"I’ve been here forty years, kid. I know how things really work around this place. Just because they shoot you a question down the pneumatic tube doesn’t mean they expect you to shoot them back an answer right away."

"Well, I don’t know about you, but back in my day we had a little thing called ‘coffee breaks.’"

"Why does my voice mail light keep blinking like that?"