It’s a really beautiful day here in Southern California. Again. But not everything is as sunny as it seems.

My friend Mandy let a boy in her Spanish class go all the way, and now she’s pregnant. Trevor has a secret drinking problem and it’s starting to affect his schoolwork. Suzanne got kicked off the swim team because she got caught taking cocaine in the locker room. And I just found out my parents are getting a divorce.

Oh, how I regret the day we moved into Afterschoolspecialville.

(MORE AFTER THE JUMP!)

Hi there. I’m Sean Crespo. I’m a crazy person. One of my favorite hobbies is to stand up in the middle of a restaurant, bang my fork against a glass of water as if I’m about to toast someone, and then to give a low-volume speech about someone halfway across the room who can’t possibly hear what I’m saying. That’s who I am. That’s what I DO.

When not in a restaurant, I like to create the blogging equivalent…Random, fabricated samples of narration from insane, non-existent industrials and nature films.

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1. You will find that in addition to its being encased in a semi-firm polymer “skin,” both protrusions can now adhere to the negatively charged Boron casing, which will enhance performance, reduce operational cost, and incriminate no one.

2. …and regularly ingests its own weight in spiders. Digestion is itself only possible through a symbiotic relationship with Ed Meese.

3. This highlights, indeed explains, why sanitation researchers often consider mitochondria to be the dessert unit of eukaryotic cells.

MORE INSANITY AFTER THE JUMP…

Last night’s announcement by President Obama that Osama Bin Laden had finally been found and killed is a sobering reminder of lives lost on 9/11. There will be those who will find it a reason to celebrate, but for many of us, the emotions resulting from the news will be complex and take while to digest.

So, thank god there’s Hollywood! I’ll bet my Grandmother’s plastic hip that no fewer than 200,000 movie treatments for the Osama Bin Laden movie are now making the rounds to studio execs. From romantic comedies to gritty documentaries – the treatments will flow, eventually whittling down to one big summer blockbuster. The question remains, however, who will be the lead? What modern day film thespian has the chops to take on the roll of a lifetime? To play a man feared by the entire population of the earth, save his mom*?

It came as no surprise that, when posed with the question, my friends on Twitter had some ideas. I then backed them up with science. Comedy science…

[More after the jump]