Hi there. I’m Sean Crespo. I’m a crazy person. One of my favorite hobbies is to stand up in the middle of a restaurant, bang my fork against a glass of water as if I’m about to toast someone, and then to give a low-volume speech about someone halfway across the room who can’t possibly hear what I’m saying. That’s who I am. That’s what I DO.

When not in a restaurant, I like to create the blogging equivalent…Random, fabricated samples of narration from insane, non-existent industrials and nature films.

I’d like to end this preface with a quote from a superb family comedy:

“There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it I have now surpassed. My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone, in fact I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape, but even after admitting this there is no catharsis, my punishment continues to elude me and I gain no deeper knowledge of myself; no new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. This confession has meant nothing.”

ENJOY!

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1. You will find that in addition to its being encased in a semi-firm polymer “skin,” both protrusions can now adhere to the negatively charged Boron casing, which will enhance performance, reduce operational cost, and incriminate no one.

2. …and regularly ingests its own weight in spiders. Digestion is itself only possible through a symbiotic relationship with Ed Meese.

3. This highlights, indeed explains, why sanitation researchers often consider mitochondria to be the dessert unit of eukaryotic cells.

4. The massive discoloration and waxen coating serve as both camouflage and a means of active registration with all three branches of the government.

5. However, strong headwinds and a not inconsiderable jaw strength can make up for this deficiency if provoked. Just make sure you stand back!

6. Over ten thousand person-hours go in to the making of every seafoam Riding Dowel. Our patented Ontology Frond technology is the secret to the Dowel’s high core stability and its wide appeal among the elderly.

7. The Cheshire diving mollusk gently sprays its trapped prey with a fine corrosive vomit, and within moments, the soupy ruins are begurgled into the snail’s shell.

8. Lubbock isn’t just a place to live anymore. It’s now a place to dare to live. Lubbock: Time’s Dumpster.

9. A systemic breach of the carotid freeway can take anywhere from five minutes to five days to repair, but once the process is started, it is inadvisable to stop without assistance from a licensed cartographer.

10. Pollination at such depths is, yes, difficult but a flagella-like adaptation on the sex glands makes coitus, however brief and tangled, more than possible. The Arctic Felch Whale in fact survives almost exclusively on these glands as well as monthly social security checks.

11. Turtles and Indonesia, two truths we ignore at our own peril.