Monday, May 2nd 2011
Last night’s announcement by President Obama that Osama Bin Laden had finally been found and killed is a sobering reminder of lives lost on 9/11. There will be those who will find it a reason to celebrate, but for many of us, the emotions resulting from the news will be complex and take while to digest.
So, thank god there’s Hollywood! I’ll bet my Grandmother’s plastic hip that no fewer than 200,000 movie treatments for the Osama Bin Laden movie are now making the rounds to studio execs. From romantic comedies to gritty documentaries – the treatments will flow, eventually whittling down to one big summer blockbuster. The question remains, however, who will be the lead? What modern day film thespian has the chops to take on the roll of a lifetime? To play a man feared by the entire population of the earth, save his mom*?
It came as no surprise that, when posed with the question, my friends on Twitter had some ideas. I then backed them up with science. Comedy science…
1. Andy Dick – @stugilkison
I don’t know what @stugilkison does for work, but clearly he doesn’t take our Twitter posits seriously. Andy Dick wears glasses and in none of the photos/video tapes do we see Bin Laden in glasses. On the other hand, Mr. Dick is a comedian and they do say the best straight men work in comedy. I, wait…
2. Helen Mirren – @thegrumbles
Once again, I’m not sure these choices were made with much forethought, or a full head of coffee. While Helen Mirren is a silver fox who has played the Queen (“The Queen”) AND an retired assassin (“RED”), I doubt her beauty and quiet charm could be suppressed enough to make a convincing Osama. That said, I’d pay good money to see her hold a gun again. I dunno. Maybe a screen test or two? She is quite the actress.
3. Kate Hudson – @Southworth
Now here’s a man (I think?) with his head on straight. @Southworth knows that not only does Kate Hudson have the brass peas to have dated a $300,000,000 narcissist like A-Rod, she also made my wife want to have sex with her in the the movie “9″. Think of the mass appeal Hudson would have in this role. We would all love to hate her as Osama Bin Laden. She also may cause several men (and my wife) to want sleep with Osama Bin Laden, which could be a psychological downside on a catastrophic scale. Better to play it safe and move on.
4. John Tuturro – @sarajoallocco
Despite the fact that @sarajoallocco is making the biggest mistake of her life tomorrow by moving to L.A., I happen to think she may be dead-on with her choice for the leading role of Osama. Tuturro has nearly the same facial bone structure, with a slim, tall-ish frame, much like Bin Laden. Coupled with his muted gaze of a sociopath and we may have a winner. My one misgiving about having him in this role is that he seems one Post Office visit away from taking us all to hell with him. It is possible the part of Osama Bin Laden is so psychologically taxing that it brings John Tutorro down with it. Imagine, while on location in Pakistan, Tuturro just walks off set, disappears into seclusion and starts in on where Bin Laden left off. Not sure if even the self-congratulatory celebration of The Oscars could spin that level of backlash. They have enough to worry about with the hunting down and destroying of James Franco.
5. Mark Ruffalo – @Fake_Rockstar
The cover of latest issue of GQ – that my wife steals for me from work – has Mr. Ruffalo billed as the next great leading man. Being a person who forms all his opinions from the cover of magazines (I have a fear turning pages in continued disappointment), I have to believe that Rufallo is our man. Plus any guy who got to do it doggy style with that ginger goddess Julianna Moore (“The Kids are All Right”) has my macho vote to play the latest man to nearly destroy modern civilization.
See you twits on the Internet,
*Today’s NY Times cover story claimed Bin Laden was often subject to frequent “dressings down by his own mother”. For reals.
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