WORK GREENER, NOT HARDER

So much stock is put into the idea of all the work, all the effort and the nearly impossible feats it will take to transform our energy economy into one based on renewables that many AmeriCANS have become AmeriCAN’TS. That’s not the America I was raised in, mister or ma’am! I was raised in Americausewesaidso! Once we take the lead, other nations will follow. Even Tibet. That lazy hold out.

TIBET FACT: Did you know that Tibet is responsible for over %.0012 of world CO2 output!!! Outrageous.

Anyway, I think if we stop putting so much emphasis on how HARD we will have to work and start talking about how GREEN we should work, people will get behind the movement for alternative energy. Work green, not hard is my motto. Well, one of them. My other mottos include “A penny saved is nearly valueless in today’s economy” and “Always, never…forget to check your references.”

Here are 5 great ways to WORK GREEN:

Instead of driving a car, drive a tree.

Trees naturally excrete (defecate) O2 after they take in CO2. So if you make your tree work harder for you by driving it like you would an automobile or an unmarked van, it will work greener for all of us. But also harder. Ok, for this one you should work harder, or your tree should, but in this case working harder is also greener. YOU’RE CONFUSING ME.

Place wind turbines on your sail boat or yacht.

The only place on earth with more wind than land is the water. When you’re out on the water, plant a few portable turbines on the prow and hit the throttle. You’ll generate enough energy to keep the deep freeze meat locker we all have on sailing vessels powered for up to 25 minutes. When wind power runs out, switch to peat.

Use Whale Oil to heat your home.

A technique that worked for centuries for the Inuit tribes is not something to be scoffed at lightly. Or hardly. Hardly, lightly. Right? Ok then. Look, whales are abundant. Get one, distill its blubber into oil, heat your home. I shouldn’t have to spell this out for you.

Eagles can be trained, so use them already!

You get it.

Alter your genes so that you can take in nourishment directly from the sun.

We’re minutes away from being able to turn our human bodies ito anything we want. Wiccan Scientist Christine O’Donnell even talked about how we’re able to create mice with human brains in them!

Wouldn’t be the cutest though! Existential horror in the body of a tiny fuzzy wuzzy! “Oh hello world. I have the intellect and emotional complexity of a full grown human but am literally as helpless as a mouse. Uh oh I’d better go nibble on some cheese before I die in a year!” Hahah! Isn’t that funny!

Besides the existence of “humice,” we should also be working on photosynthetic-cabable skin for mankind. Imagine, going out for lunch where lunch is the outside!

“Hey Bob, how was lunch? What’d you have?”

“Same thing I have every day, Mike. The sun.”

“Har har. That’s funny OH MY GOD YOU’RE GREEN WHY DID I NOT NOTICE THAT BEFORE AAAAHHHHH!”

Now if you can’t work greener and not harder with those tips, you’re beyond hope. And you should kill yourself. Go ahead. Do it. Do it now, you waste. DO IT!!!

I’m joking! Don’t do that thing I said. HAR HAR. Anyway, see you next time on ECO TIPS, only on Drinkatwork.com.