Ok, once in a lifetime you come across a piece of information so dazzlingly wonderful, it outshines all the dollar bills in the world. And diamonds. This week, I started watching BLUE PLANET. After I finished that, there was a special on about ants. Did you know that ants can lift up to 50 times their own body weight? Well, if I’d ever heard a solution to the energy crisis, that was it.

People, let’s stop trying to harness the power of the wind which you can’t even grab with your hands. And the sun? It’s like over a million feet away! We’ll never build power cords that long before crows start sleeping on it and pull it down with their bird weight. We need to go ant and we need to go ant NOW. Bio fuels, geothermal, wave energy, cold fusion, vampires, all of these alternative energies are nothing compared to the power of our little 9-legged friend, the ant. All we need to do is increase their size until they’re roughly as big and as strong as tanks and also can’t be defeated by at least Civil War era weaponry. That’s when we’ll know they’re road-ready! (Because if regular cars have to be able to withstand the punishment of the elements as well as Gatling guns, then so should our ant-cars!)

Imagine America’s highways covered in, not cars and trucks and trains, but ants! There would be no carbon footprint at all although there would be billions of ant footprints. But those ant footprints would be helpful as well. The ants would crush any vehicles in their way and contribute to the scrap metals industry while ALSO driving our population down drastically.

And since ants only eat chocolate malt balls (at least that’s all they eat in my home), all we need to do is line our streets and skies with delicious chocolate treats. Of course we may need to keep or or two fleets of cars around to drop the malt balls off every day.

Once again, the Japanese are way ahead of us on this one. This prototype ant-bus was inspired by the Miyazaki cat-bus in "Spirited Away." The Japanese originally experimented with a genetically modified cat with a hollowed out center for people to ride in, but the vehicular feline simply tore itself apart to get at the tasty, human victuals within itself. Great advancements always have a price.

And then for when the ants step on and destroy those fleets, we should keep another few fleets ready to replace them.

Of course, if we are able to engineer giant ants to travel on, we can probably engineer a race of servant eagles whose very feces takes the form of chocolate malt balls. Then they could fly around and poop ant food where we need it. We’ll probably need to control the eagle flight direction though so it may be useful to engineer a race of tiny humans to ride the eagles and to deliver a sharp poke to them when it’s time to drop off “a package.” Wink wink. (that’s secret talk for eagle-poop)

But then of course we need to make sure that the ant’s refuse is also edible. What better way to do so than to make it acceptable as eagle, human, and tiny human food? The ant refuse could even be engineered to look like tiny brown mice–which eagle, people, and tiny people all love! The circle of life would be complete.

The future natural cyce of energy maintenance.

And not a single carbon footstep was taken.

2 Responses to “Eco Tips : Ants!”

1. RustyCannon says:

   March 7, 2011 at 10:43 am

   This is all fine as long as the chocolate fuel is grown in an ecologically responsible manner and the growers are compensated fairly and equitably for their hard work.

   I can see myself being imprisoned, however, for stealing ant food. I’m already ashamed of my lack of self control.
2. sean says:

   March 9, 2011 at 9:25 am

   We’re all one ant-food robbery away from prison, man. That’s how I like to think about things. Keep it in perspective.